It's just the "pms" talking, right?

After yet another "two-week-wait" I've learned I am still not pregnant. Surprise? Nah. But thanks to my current "lady days", my ovary strings are controlling my emotions and my "mom gene" is in the fast lane. It is once again my bi-weekly weekend with my nephew. Tim and I went with my Mom to pick him up yesterday afternoon and we discovered the sweetheart has a bad case of Hives. No it's not an allergic reaction or a heat rash, but none other than the kiddos emotional well being. Mind you, I got hives ALL. THE. TIME. as a kid, but it never happened this young. Mine were also due to emotions and stress but I worried about other things, like making friends, trying to fit in, a bad grade at school, etc. Whereas this child is 10, and lives just exactly where he does, it was only a matter of time before his inner turmoil showed on the outside. No one can pinpoint exactly what triggered this case but of course, there are assumptions to cover up the ACTUAL issue. Regardless of the how and why, my heart is aching. He woke up this morning after being so snugly in bed to learn that he was COVERED from head-to-toe in the big, itchy welts. The look on his face nearly broke my heart. I had to cover up my initial reaction to not freak him out even more. I was on the phone with my mom at the time, and she decided it was best to take him home and force his "parents" to take him to the doctor. (you would think this would be a no-brain-er, but sometimes, it's like pulling teeth!) So I gave him a Benedryl, rubbed some Calamine lotion on him and gave him a bowl of cereal. 

Externally, I know there is nothing else I can do for him. I am not his mother, so I can't keep him here, where there is comfort, love and respect for him. I can't take him to the doctor to ensure he is treated properly and I can't demand the environment he lives in be a more child-friendly one. I get all this.

Internally? I'm an emotional mess. My desire to be a mother is strong, and even more so when I get the pleasure of tending to him on a bi-weekly basis, even if for just one night. No matter what, every time he comes to visit, we have fun. We learn something new, we have a wholesome meal, play some games or watch a movie and go to sleep knowing our teeth are brushed, our bodies are clean, and our beds are comfy. It pains me inside to know that the child has some emotional baggage, no doubt in my mind as to why, but once again, he is TEN. He IS a child and he really deserves the respect and care to be treated as one. I am a STRONG believer that no matter what, children should not know about parental issues such as: financial burdens, sexual deviancy, or the day-to-day stresses of being a parent. A kid should not worry what is for breakfast. A kid should not worry if he will be able to eat school lunch. A kid should not worry if he has any clean clothes, undies and socks to wear to school. A kid should not worry about how bills will get paid or where they are going to live or how come things are so disgustingly unclean. A child DESERVES a clean home, clean clothes, food on the table, proper instruction on how to brush your teeth, comb your hair and shower properly. A child should be greeted home from school, welcomed in fact. A child should be taught how to do homework, and to ask questions if he needs to. A child should have not just one, but TWO parents to go to when there is inner turmoil. If there can't be two parental figures, even just ONE would suffice. A kid should be talked to, like a human. Taught how to grow, learn, be happy and ask questions. The wonder of children SHOULD be innocent, pure, and beautiful. What happened to children being children? What happened to respect for your child, EVEN if he is not biologically yours? EVEN if you are upset, or don't understand the situation. EVEN if you are a selfish person, you put ALL of that aside for the child you have. 

Do people realize how lucky they are to have children? Whether it's biological, adopted, or through a relationship, once you take on that role of being a parent, that doesn't just go away. You have to ACTUALLY BE A PARENT. Ten years in a child's life and you can't manage to dig through your own BULLSHIT (forgive my language) to be a grown-up adult for your child? REALLY? The entire lifestyle, the current situation and allllllllll the turmoil makes me sick to my stomach. My heart, my thoughts and my prayers go out to not only my nephew but all of the thousands of children in unsafe, unhappy, unstable living situations.

A-Post-A-Day Keeps the Stress Away

I came across a new blog today and after YEARS of being infertile, failed IVF's, and all the "blues" of TTC, she is finally pregnant. She found out recently she is having a baby boy and I thought: "I am genuinely happy for her."

I've recently been bombarded with news of those around me who have just recently had a baby or found out they are pregnant. And while my first reaction a few days ago was to scream, ignore them and/or curse the world, I decided I'd rather be happy than angry. Being a mother is something I'm praying for... so why would I have so much hostility towards those that already received that blessing? It's like a child who's parents can't afford to buy them the newest video game, but they find out their friend has it instead. Do they suddenly stop being friends with them because they have something they want? No. For goodness sake, it isn't YOUR baby that I want. No doubt your baby is cute, mushy, smells good and tugs on my ovaries, but it is indeed your baby, not mine.

I've decided to focus on myself for now. It seems selfish, but I have to. I'm going through something mentally and while I am a firm believer of making things work, I'm also a huge cry-baby. So, for the time being, I'm focusing on finding answers regarding my reproductive health. Maybe one day I will have the motivation and skills necessary to go back and get my PhD but until then... I need to find stability within myself.

XoXo

Testing... Testing... 1, 2, 3!

So after almost 4 years of sexual intercourse without contraception, my husband and I have yet to conceive. This is a major concern. I know some people say that "it will happen when the time is right" and not to worry or obsess but, I have to say; think about it! Sex is nature's way of creating human life. For most couples it should be a fun form of intimacy but when that parental desire strikes, sex is looked at on a biological, natural spectrum. Creating human life through intercourse is supposed to be one of the most natural things on earth. We're all taught throughout our lives that having unprotected sex leads to pregnancy (among other things). When you're married and you know you're both "clean" the other consequences aren't an issue. And when that time comes, sex is suddenly not only fun and pleasurable, it (ideally) creates a child between you and your partner. If you ask a mother about her pregnancy, chances are she'll talk about the pain, the cravings, the weight gain and then, of course, the labor. In the end, it's all worth it because you have now created and delivered a human being. If you ask a woman who hasn't been able to become a mother, pregnancy is no longer about the "side effects". Infertile Women, (like myself) look at pregnancy as a beautiful, magical, and biological right to us. It was driven in our brains through parents, friends, teachers and society that women have babies. Those babies are created by having sexual intercourse. Sounds simple enough, but it's not. 

I've been told that a child is born every minute. EVERY MINUTE. From who? Where? and WHY not by me? I know there are others out there who ask these questions like I am and I think it's a very reasonable question. It simply doesn't seem "fair" does it? As a woman who is trying to become a mother, I've discovered that just sex isn't enough. General good health isn't enough. Practicing yoga techniques, eating certain foods, taking pills and drinking herbal teas isn't always enough either. There are various procedures, tests, and surgeries done everyday to women all across the world. Here in America, I am fortunate. There are SEVERAL up-to-date procedures available. They have been tested and performed and calculated. Some of the statistics are amazing. The downside is everything costs money. Now, if you're financially set (meaning money isn't technically a concern) then you're likely not worried about this. But if you're one of the majority who don't have the best insurance it can get costly. Those high costs are scary and there's a shock and overall fear of having to some day face it. In the end, I think finally having a baby makes it all worth it. The pain, the worry, the stress, the money, the tests, etc. But in the meantime, it drives a gal crazy.

I've recently discovered various "boosts" to the reproductive system. There are pills, creams and more for men and women, all over the internet. They range from fairly cheap to ridiculously expensive. After much consideration, Tim and I decided that spending money is worth it if it actually helps us conceive. We've discovered (and tried- although not with real effort) FertilAid for Women and FertilAid for Men, along with FertileCM, and other products through a company called FairHaven Health at their website: http://www.fertilaid.com/. We've decided to make a purchase every month until we get that BFP (big fat positive) pregnancy test result. That being said, before I fork over $60 a month for some pills (that do in fact receive great reviews) we decided to get some tests done. I've had an ultrasound on my ovaries back in late 2008. They held plenty of healthy eggs, with no signs of PCOS. Last month I had some bloodwork done and all my levels came back "normal". Estrogen, Testosterone, Progesterone, LH, and FSH were all fine. However, my SHBG (sex-hormone-binding globulin) level was low. The cause of this is unknown, however, I was put on Metformin in order to prevent PCOS and other problems from happening. Now the next step is lab testing. I'm scheduled to have an HSG (Hysterosalpingogram) test done here in a couple of weeks. It is an X-ray test that looks at the inside of the uterus and fallopian tubes and the area around them. I'm getting this test done because the hubby and I must have a fertility issue. So, I'd like to get the test done to see if there is any blockage, or if my uterus is abnormal. Hopefully, I get very positive results and that nothing is wrong "down there". If we get the green light, we will then make the first purchase of FertilAid and see how that works over the next few months. I'm choosing to stay optimistic, so pray that the only outcome is a happy one. :)

XoXo

Our First REAL TTC Purchase! :)

Now comes the real point of this blog; to talk about our TTC (trying to conceive) journey. So, enough about the future. This our real, committed, current efforts. It will be blunt at times. I won't use code words. We're all adults, who realize that married couples have sex. I won't be vulgar, since that's just not my style, but I won't be afraid to say the words sex, sperm, egg, ovulation, period, lube, cervical mucus (CM) or any other term that comes with the territory of baby-makin' fun. Chances are, I'll also use humor because let's face it, sometimes things just happen. And, if things don't go the way I'd like, I might even get a bit "blue" and vent my sorrows. So, if you're reading this; roll with the punches, laugh a little, and if you've been in these shoes; relate. If you have been one of the lucky ones to get pregnant without thinking about, then I congratulate you, and to be honest, envy you. So, if you choose to "follow" along, and might not understand the whole "trying to conceive" thing, then my best advice is to put yourself in these shoes. They aren't just MY shoes. They belong to every woman and man who has ever dealt with a loss of a child or the inability to easily create a child, like nature intended.

Here is some happy news for the day! I have been doing much research lately, and I came across a "lube" that is for use when TTC. It's called 'Pre~Seed'. It's a fertility-friendly personal lubricant that doesn't harm sperm or embryos. It's an internal application that mimics a woman's natural cervical mucus. Studies have shown that couples who are TTC should NOT use typical lubricants because they are harmful to sperm. DH and I made our first purchase or 'Pre~Seed' as well as a collection cup used for testing strips. As a bonus, I received a cute "tattoo' sticker that says "Think Positive" and two free pregnancy test strips! What a deal! While we are going to use other forms of "help" in this process, right now, this is our first purchase. :) I thought I'd share a picture of my treasures below. If anyone has used this lubricant before, feel free to let me know what you thought/think! XoXo

From the Beginning, Shall We?

It's likely that you know someone who has at some point in their life said: "We're going to try for a baby!" It's also likely that you know someone who has said: "We're not having any luck in the baby department." Chances are, if you're reading this blog; it was me! This blog is a story of a journey. A journey filled with marital happiness, woes, and the ever-crushing inability to have a baby... YET. I'll start out by sharing some background info. Bear with me folks, there's a lot to cover.

My Husband, Tim, and I met several years ago. May 16, 2008 to be exact. After spending his life in Rockville, Maryland and being a volunteer firefighter for years, he decided he'd tag along with his Dad and move out to Utah. Lucky for me, I lived nearby. We met online through My Space (classy, huh?) and I pursued him with a flirtatious email. The very same day, we met and went on our first date. From the moment he held my hand, I had a feeling he was different than the other boys. At the time though, I didn't want to get married or have children. I had just gone through a horrible break-up and was living with my oldest sister and her family. I was a receptionist at an engineering company and had no hope of being in love. To my surprise, we spent nearly everyday together. We watched tons of movies, talked a lot, and went camping a couple times. Weeks and weeks passed and some family financial issues developed and I decided to move out of my sister's house. At that point, we decided to take it the next level. We moved in together in July 2008 to a small 1 bedroom apartment. At that moment, we began planning our future almost immediately. My sister and nephews loved him and that was a good sign. My mom met him and when I asked her about her thoughts at the time she answered "My only thought was that I hope you didn't get hurt." But still, she welcomed him into our life like she does with everyone; open arms. She supported my dreams and although it seemed like a whirlwind romance, she always treated him like a member of the family. When I asked again recently, she said the moment she knew that this was the real deal was "when he approached me in November 2008 about proposing." It wasn't until Tim got down on one knee in front of my whole family (December 24th, 2008) that I knew he was the only one for me.

We both wanted kids from the very beginning of our blooming relationship. We weren't the safest when it came to contraception either and we figured "we're going to get married soon, if we happen to have a baby, we'll welcome it." However, in the hustle and bustle of the Holidays, along with our soon-to-be early Summer wedding, we didn't put much thought into having a baby. We went about our lives, planning the wedding, the honeymoon and our decision to move when we got back. In a nutshell; we were married on May 30, 2009. It was a small, intimate and lovely outdoor ceremony in a dear family friend's backyard. We were surrounded by fragrant flowers, bushes and trees and the deal was sealed in front of a gorgeous lilac tree. My prince had rescued me from the dating world, and I was suddenly a wife! Looking back, it is still considered the best day of my life.

After the 5-day honeymoon (spent in Maryland and D.C.) we moved into a 2 bedroom duplex across the street from my Mom and step-dad. It wasn't the prettiest place but, we cleaned it up, painted the kitchen cupboards and made it ours. Tim was working full time and I had begun creating cookbooks as a hobby, hoping to even turn it into a small business since the job market was horrible. Just before my 21st birthday in 2010 Tim and I discovered I had gotten pregnant. I had no idea because I was not ideally regular with my cycles, so if I was late, it was usually overlooked. Needless to say, we had a miscarriage. Judging by my calculations and overall experience, I imagine I was around 5 weeks along. I was devastated, and Tim was impacted too. With enormous comfort from my Mom and each other, we got through it. At this point, I wanted a baby more than I'd wanted anything in my life. One month later, I turned 21. The following month, we celebrated our 1 year anniversary. Over the summer, we faced some financial trouble and decided that having a baby with so many other responsibilities was not in the cards right now. I stopped focusing on my maternal desire and decided to go to college. This was the time. I had no luck in finding a job, and Tim had just been laid off. We struggled to pay every bill and at times had nothing to eat. Looking back, if it hadn't been for my Mom, we would have starved completely. Doing some job digging, Tim discovered a job opening for a firefighter in Rawlins, Wyoming. He wanted this job pretty badly, and I decided that as his wife, I'd support him no matter what, even if that meant moving away from my family and hometown. If he got the job, we'd move and I'd start school there. If he didn't get the job, I'd go to school and get my BS in Business. After weeks of Tim trying to get in shape, we made the drive to Wyoming. Tim passed the written exam, and moved on to the next step. Unfortunately, he failed the physical test by 2 seconds. That was the end- so abrupt and so crushing. We made the gloomy drive home and somewhere between feeling ashamed and beat down, Tim got mad. He decided he deserved better than this, and enrolled in school with me to get his degree in Engineering. A high paying career, doing something he enjoyed. We started our first semester at Utah Valley University in August 2010 and celebrated his 24th birthday shortly after. So far, so good. In early November, weeks after applying, Tim got a job offer from the Provo Police Department as the Quartermaster. So far, much better.

After our first semester ended in December, we both knew we weren't happy with the degree choices we made. Business and Engineering were good degrees, with many job opportunities awaiting, but it wasn't our passions. After some soul searching, we both changed our majors. Tim changed his degree to Criminal Justice and I switched mine to Psychology. We were set to start the next semester on the right path. Unfortunately, the duplex was soon useless as our landlord had let a leaky swamp cooler go for too long. There was mold spreading throughout the ceiling and sure enough, it began to effect my health. I had to get on an inhaler and we were told that the landlord would be tearing apart the ceiling/roof. We began looking for places to move. Just before the Spring semester in January 2011, we moved into a 2 bedroom house, down the street from our school. The house is everything we didn't have in the duplex: more space, newly remodeled, cat-friendly, within our budget and best of all, it was an actual house. No neighbors around us. After spending a few weeks in our new house, Tim got a second job and my maternal desire came back. I pushed it aside and tried to focus on school. I got a part time job at an old job I had when I was 17 at the Fitness Center in the childcare department. We finished the semester and I turned 22. Tim was working for the Provo PD for 7 months, and at the second job for just about 5 months. Just days before our anniversary, I got a phone call saying Tim was hurt at work and on his way to the hospital. I had my nephew at the time, and raced to UVRMC, panicked since I didn't have much information. It turns out, Tim got his hand caught in a rubbermill at work, crushing his fingers. Fortunately, he was wearing his wedding ring and gloves and although some say it was the gloves that caused his hand to get stuck, I think it saved it from completely mutilating his entire left hand. After all was said and done, the tip of his wedding ring finger was ripped off and his middle finger had been crushed. After sewing the finger back on, we were told that there was a chance it wouldn't make it. We hoped for the best, and Tim went on workers comp to fully heal.We celebrated our 2nd anniversary and soon after, I quit my job at the fitness center for a slew of reasons. After a few weeks, we could clearly see the tip of his finger die and turn black. Tim had surgery where they amputated the tip of his ring finger from the first knuckle up. The doctor worked some magic and managed to keep the fingernail on. Unfortunately, we suffered another loss that same day. While waiting for Tim's surgery to start, I had discovered yet another miscarriage. Again, we had no idea and by my calculations, I couldn't have been more than 3-4 weeks along. I was again, crushed. My desire to be a mom was even stronger now and this loss was another kick in the uterus. Fortunately, the good news was that Tim was okay.

After weeks of healing, Tim was healthy and able to return to work. Since his accident, he's quit his job at the unsafe 2nd workplace, started the Fall semester and celebrated Tim's 25th birthday. He's recently become a Volunteer Police Officer for the Provo PD where he has been for almost one year. I've become a Volunteer Court Appointed Special Advocate (CASA) for abused and neglected children. We are currently halfway through our 3rd semester as college students and more-so, actively trying to conceive. (ttc)

This is the story of a loving couple, embracing their desire to be parents. The story of our trials, our ups and our downs. I hope this is a place for me to share my thoughts, hopes, let downs and feelings as I go along this path of finding myself, and becoming a mother. I hope some of you that read this blog can better understand me and the challenges Tim and I are facing. I'm a wife, a sister, a daughter, a cousin, an aunt and a friend, but most importantly, I'm a woman. If you've read this far, you're a keeper. :)