So today is CD 13 for me. I find myself in a weird mood lately. I am hopeful, slightly less than optimistic but thinking that honestly, all I can do is play this waiting game. I've stopped taking OPK's for the most part. I was going through like 20 or so strips every cycle and not only was it wasteful, it was driving me insane.
I look at it like this: Tim and I know our infertility. We know the three things that are keeping us from becoming parents. Tim's sperm, my right fallopian tube and my condition; Anovulation. We know firsthand from the sperm analysis and our active sex life over the last almost 4 years that he definitely has the volume. He's got the sperm count, and then some. His motility has most likely improved. The only thing we can't really control is the morphology. He's been on FertilAid for 3 months. Lord knows if it's even working, but at least we know it's natural and healthy for his reproductive health. Tim's issues under control? Check.
Now we switch to me. The woman. The bearer of future children. The oven, the stork, the one who brings life to said sperm. I try not to focus on my two issues because they are things I can't even control. My lack of ovulation is trying to be controlled through a strong hormone, Clomid (Clomiphene Citrate 100 mg) This is the second round of Clomid I've taken. In terms of the IF journey, we've only just begun. But in my heart, I look back over the almost 4 years and think, my god imagine how many sperm has been wasted? imagine all those times of having sex without contraception and there was NO baby. In my mind, I tell myself that those days are in the past. We didn't know then what we know now. We try to focus on being consistent. After all, if we just have sex, it should happen right? Come on Biology geeks- don't fail me now. All I can do to fix/control my Anovulation is to take the medicine I'm suppose to take. I have been, like clockwork every cycle.
My second issue, and the biggest issue, I have no control over: My blocked fallopian tube. This tube is stubborn. It wouldn't open and chances are, it's been closed my whole life. I have one tube that was free and clear. (thank god) and seem to have two healthy ovaries that carry many eggs. Only problem is that every cycle switches ovaries to release an egg. I never know which cycle is which side. When the cycle falls on my right ovary, it's pretty much hopeless because of the blocked fallopian tube. However, since we don't know which cycle falls on which side, we just do it anyway. I keep telling myself that one of these months, we're going to hit it dead on. If we just stay positive and keep trying, it will happen, right???
In the back of my mind, our infertility struggles are going 24/7. In my everyday life, I try to think about other things. I've recently written an autobiography. Yes, our infertility is in there, but I realized something. It doesn't come up until the very "end" so far. The majority of my life hasn't focused on this issue because up until 2011, we didn't fully know we had an issue. It was nice to go back and read the things I wrote and sort of see my life in words, details, the way I remember it. These words are mine. They are things that no one can take away from me. They are my memories, my feelings, my thoughts, mine. I don't have to worry about what so-and-so would think if they read it because they aren't the ones writing the story. I am. I'm in charge. That is how I look at every single thing I write. I love writing stories and I usually do so in the privacy of my own office, on my own computer, alone. I can write whatever I want. There is always some sort of release. I enjoy writing. I also enjoy reading. I've recently started a list of books to read: 100 Classics that include Jane Eyre, Wuthering Heights, Agnes Gray, Little Women, To Kill a Mockingbird, Of Mice and Men, Pride and Prejudice, etc. etc. I'm excited. When I read a new book, I get to escape my own life. My life isn't hard; I've been very blessed. Yes, Tim and I struggle just like every other person on earth. We struggle with money usually about halfway through each year, over the summer. We struggle to stay physically active, but we're thankful we still remain healthy. We struggle with our families; much like everyone else in the world as well. Lastly, we struggle to conceive. Sadly but somehow thankfully, I'm not alone, and neither is Tim. Where we are lightly treading, someone else has been too, and they are now muddling through a deeper journey. My heart breaks for those who deal with infertility. It's one of the hardest things one can face in life. It isn't ever short-lived. It's almost never temporary and it's usually a lifelong battle. You see, even if couples finally get their miracle baby, that baby will grow up. Chances are, they'll want another child to love and cherish. If it takes a couple upwards of 5+ years to conceive their first child, it seems daunting to imagine trying to expand that family. I think of us; we are "only just beginning" because we just learned our IF issues. But when you look at the bigger picture, we've had these IF issues for who knows how long. Most likely, our entire relationship- hence why we never conceived.
In April, I will turn 23. I met Tim when I was barely 19, and we married right after I turned 20. In May, it will be our 4 year Anniversary- 3 of those being spent in wedded bliss. In September Tim will turn 26. We're still "so young" but the years are passing us by. We are no longer newlyweds. We are no longer in the "honeymoon" stage. We are adults, we are strong and commited and we are ready to be parents. It shouldn't be this hard. A couple shouldn't look back at 4 years of unsuccesful cycles and end up babyless. It shouldn't be this way. Yet it is. And worse; I know some amazing women who are still fighting this battle, and they are in their 5th, 6th, and even 14th year. 14 years of infertility... I simply cannot imagine. My heart breaks for these women. I love them like I've known them for years because of the strong women they are.
A good friend of mine recently said that all of the things we've gone through in life has somehow prepared us for this infertility battle. We aren't strong because of Infertility. We're strong FOR infertility. If we all had a choice, we'd sit in a corner and cry all day. We'd each way 500 lbs. eating a chocolate bar wrapped in bacon, dipped in mayonaisse. We'd fall into a hole, sink away from life and give up on hope. But we don't. Why don't we? Because we are women. Because we are strong, naturally. Because we know what we want, deserve and will fight for. I've never actually fought for anything this hard. I wanted to graduate high school- I did it with honors. I wanted to try college- I did it. I wanted to get married- I did it. I wanted to write stories that would bring people to tears- I've done it. I've wanted to love, wish, dream, pray and believe in something bigger than myself, my life and this earth alone and I'm doing that everyday. I believe in magic. I believe in miracles. I believe that if you are good, pure, honest and dedicated, you can get whatever you want. For whatever reason, my goal in life is to become a mother. Some women want to own a pair of Christian Louboutin shoes. (so expensive, but so gorgeous!) Some women want to run a mega-corporate business. Some women want to build an empire and do it all. Some women want to sew, cook, write, dance, sing, exercise, paint, and be what they feel strongly about in their hearts. I want to be a mother. I've wanted to be a mother since I can remember. Every new doll I owned was my baby. Every Barbie got married and became a mother. Every cat I owned filled a special place in my heart; my furbabies, my children. Every child I've babysat has connected with me, in a matter of seconds. It's my destiny to be a mom. I'm good at nurturing. I'm good at handling children even in horrible conditions. I've done it my whole life; as side jobs, as careers, as an aunt, etc. I've done it, I've seen it, I've felt it. It's who I am. I don't judge who others are. If you want to be a rocket scientist, you go for it girl. If you want to be the first woman president, you'll get my vote. If you want to show your artistic skill by creating masterpieces on people's skin, I'll be there, cheering you on. If you want to start your own company, make a name for yourself, even if I don't know what you're company is; I'm your first "client". If you want to learn to cook and someday open a restaurant, tell me and I'll be your taste-tester! If you want to finally settle down in life, and meet the man of your dreams, let me know and I'll save the date, even if there isn't a man in the picture yet. Whatever you want to do, to be in life, I'm there for you.
I know I've got some amazing supporters. My biggest supporter is clearly my husband. He supports everything I've done so far, even if they aren't successful. Every new "baby-making" trick I learn, he is willing to try. Every new article I read, he listens. Every interesting fact I learn, he pretends to care. He supports me and encourages me. My mom is always my #1 fan. She wants a child for Tim and I almost as much as we do, maybe even more. I cannot wait for the day that she gets to hold her grandchild; baby Smittenaar. ;) I have sisters who show they care in very different ways. Even when they don't come out and say it, I know they care. Otherwise, they wouldn't be our Mother's children. I have old friends who've held on through this thing we call life and I've made new friends who have outshone past friends combined. I'm so lucky and I'm so thankful. I love every single person I have on my Facebook account. How many people can say that? I might not have nearly as much as others, hell, I think I have less than 50. But I love them all. They are on there for a reason. I don't keep people on my FB if they don't mean something. My life isn't on display daily for the world to see. I only share these things, my life, my pictures, my thoughts, etc with those who deserve it. And those who deserve it remind me all the time. I am blessed!
I wrote this today, to vent a little. I wanted to see where my thoughts would go when I started writing and sure enough, they ended on a light note. They ended happy and positive. That's a sign. :) Even if we don't get our BFP this cycle... it's not the end for us. We will beat infertility and we will be parents.
Thanks for reading, XoXo
