From the Beginning, Shall We?

It's likely that you know someone who has at some point in their life said: "We're going to try for a baby!" It's also likely that you know someone who has said: "We're not having any luck in the baby department." Chances are, if you're reading this blog; it was me! This blog is a story of a journey. A journey filled with marital happiness, woes, and the ever-crushing inability to have a baby... YET. I'll start out by sharing some background info. Bear with me folks, there's a lot to cover.

My Husband, Tim, and I met several years ago. May 16, 2008 to be exact. After spending his life in Rockville, Maryland and being a volunteer firefighter for years, he decided he'd tag along with his Dad and move out to Utah. Lucky for me, I lived nearby. We met online through My Space (classy, huh?) and I pursued him with a flirtatious email. The very same day, we met and went on our first date. From the moment he held my hand, I had a feeling he was different than the other boys. At the time though, I didn't want to get married or have children. I had just gone through a horrible break-up and was living with my oldest sister and her family. I was a receptionist at an engineering company and had no hope of being in love. To my surprise, we spent nearly everyday together. We watched tons of movies, talked a lot, and went camping a couple times. Weeks and weeks passed and some family financial issues developed and I decided to move out of my sister's house. At that point, we decided to take it the next level. We moved in together in July 2008 to a small 1 bedroom apartment. At that moment, we began planning our future almost immediately. My sister and nephews loved him and that was a good sign. My mom met him and when I asked her about her thoughts at the time she answered "My only thought was that I hope you didn't get hurt." But still, she welcomed him into our life like she does with everyone; open arms. She supported my dreams and although it seemed like a whirlwind romance, she always treated him like a member of the family. When I asked again recently, she said the moment she knew that this was the real deal was "when he approached me in November 2008 about proposing." It wasn't until Tim got down on one knee in front of my whole family (December 24th, 2008) that I knew he was the only one for me.

We both wanted kids from the very beginning of our blooming relationship. We weren't the safest when it came to contraception either and we figured "we're going to get married soon, if we happen to have a baby, we'll welcome it." However, in the hustle and bustle of the Holidays, along with our soon-to-be early Summer wedding, we didn't put much thought into having a baby. We went about our lives, planning the wedding, the honeymoon and our decision to move when we got back. In a nutshell; we were married on May 30, 2009. It was a small, intimate and lovely outdoor ceremony in a dear family friend's backyard. We were surrounded by fragrant flowers, bushes and trees and the deal was sealed in front of a gorgeous lilac tree. My prince had rescued me from the dating world, and I was suddenly a wife! Looking back, it is still considered the best day of my life.

After the 5-day honeymoon (spent in Maryland and D.C.) we moved into a 2 bedroom duplex across the street from my Mom and step-dad. It wasn't the prettiest place but, we cleaned it up, painted the kitchen cupboards and made it ours. Tim was working full time and I had begun creating cookbooks as a hobby, hoping to even turn it into a small business since the job market was horrible. Just before my 21st birthday in 2010 Tim and I discovered I had gotten pregnant. I had no idea because I was not ideally regular with my cycles, so if I was late, it was usually overlooked. Needless to say, we had a miscarriage. Judging by my calculations and overall experience, I imagine I was around 5 weeks along. I was devastated, and Tim was impacted too. With enormous comfort from my Mom and each other, we got through it. At this point, I wanted a baby more than I'd wanted anything in my life. One month later, I turned 21. The following month, we celebrated our 1 year anniversary. Over the summer, we faced some financial trouble and decided that having a baby with so many other responsibilities was not in the cards right now. I stopped focusing on my maternal desire and decided to go to college. This was the time. I had no luck in finding a job, and Tim had just been laid off. We struggled to pay every bill and at times had nothing to eat. Looking back, if it hadn't been for my Mom, we would have starved completely. Doing some job digging, Tim discovered a job opening for a firefighter in Rawlins, Wyoming. He wanted this job pretty badly, and I decided that as his wife, I'd support him no matter what, even if that meant moving away from my family and hometown. If he got the job, we'd move and I'd start school there. If he didn't get the job, I'd go to school and get my BS in Business. After weeks of Tim trying to get in shape, we made the drive to Wyoming. Tim passed the written exam, and moved on to the next step. Unfortunately, he failed the physical test by 2 seconds. That was the end- so abrupt and so crushing. We made the gloomy drive home and somewhere between feeling ashamed and beat down, Tim got mad. He decided he deserved better than this, and enrolled in school with me to get his degree in Engineering. A high paying career, doing something he enjoyed. We started our first semester at Utah Valley University in August 2010 and celebrated his 24th birthday shortly after. So far, so good. In early November, weeks after applying, Tim got a job offer from the Provo Police Department as the Quartermaster. So far, much better.

After our first semester ended in December, we both knew we weren't happy with the degree choices we made. Business and Engineering were good degrees, with many job opportunities awaiting, but it wasn't our passions. After some soul searching, we both changed our majors. Tim changed his degree to Criminal Justice and I switched mine to Psychology. We were set to start the next semester on the right path. Unfortunately, the duplex was soon useless as our landlord had let a leaky swamp cooler go for too long. There was mold spreading throughout the ceiling and sure enough, it began to effect my health. I had to get on an inhaler and we were told that the landlord would be tearing apart the ceiling/roof. We began looking for places to move. Just before the Spring semester in January 2011, we moved into a 2 bedroom house, down the street from our school. The house is everything we didn't have in the duplex: more space, newly remodeled, cat-friendly, within our budget and best of all, it was an actual house. No neighbors around us. After spending a few weeks in our new house, Tim got a second job and my maternal desire came back. I pushed it aside and tried to focus on school. I got a part time job at an old job I had when I was 17 at the Fitness Center in the childcare department. We finished the semester and I turned 22. Tim was working for the Provo PD for 7 months, and at the second job for just about 5 months. Just days before our anniversary, I got a phone call saying Tim was hurt at work and on his way to the hospital. I had my nephew at the time, and raced to UVRMC, panicked since I didn't have much information. It turns out, Tim got his hand caught in a rubbermill at work, crushing his fingers. Fortunately, he was wearing his wedding ring and gloves and although some say it was the gloves that caused his hand to get stuck, I think it saved it from completely mutilating his entire left hand. After all was said and done, the tip of his wedding ring finger was ripped off and his middle finger had been crushed. After sewing the finger back on, we were told that there was a chance it wouldn't make it. We hoped for the best, and Tim went on workers comp to fully heal.We celebrated our 2nd anniversary and soon after, I quit my job at the fitness center for a slew of reasons. After a few weeks, we could clearly see the tip of his finger die and turn black. Tim had surgery where they amputated the tip of his ring finger from the first knuckle up. The doctor worked some magic and managed to keep the fingernail on. Unfortunately, we suffered another loss that same day. While waiting for Tim's surgery to start, I had discovered yet another miscarriage. Again, we had no idea and by my calculations, I couldn't have been more than 3-4 weeks along. I was again, crushed. My desire to be a mom was even stronger now and this loss was another kick in the uterus. Fortunately, the good news was that Tim was okay.

After weeks of healing, Tim was healthy and able to return to work. Since his accident, he's quit his job at the unsafe 2nd workplace, started the Fall semester and celebrated Tim's 25th birthday. He's recently become a Volunteer Police Officer for the Provo PD where he has been for almost one year. I've become a Volunteer Court Appointed Special Advocate (CASA) for abused and neglected children. We are currently halfway through our 3rd semester as college students and more-so, actively trying to conceive. (ttc)

This is the story of a loving couple, embracing their desire to be parents. The story of our trials, our ups and our downs. I hope this is a place for me to share my thoughts, hopes, let downs and feelings as I go along this path of finding myself, and becoming a mother. I hope some of you that read this blog can better understand me and the challenges Tim and I are facing. I'm a wife, a sister, a daughter, a cousin, an aunt and a friend, but most importantly, I'm a woman. If you've read this far, you're a keeper. :)