There is no sign of my AF coming anytime today... so I am trying to remain positive and hope she shows up soon. It's CD 32 right now and counting if I don't start spotting or SOMETHING soon!
It's been an emotional day today already. I woke up with no period, cried. I got online and read online that Kourtney Kardashian is pregnant again. I cried again. She still remains unmarried, but is getting yet another blessing of being a mother. What hurts me and women like me, is that these celebrities have "oops" babies for publicity. They don't appear to TRULY cherish and realize their gift of fertility and motherhood. It just tore me down for a few minutes, but I'm moving past it. There is truly nothing I can do, and regardless, I don't like feeling upset or angry towards someone pregnant. No matter who it is, a baby is a beautiful gift.
Another sad moment was when Tim told me today that he had ANOTHER dream of us having a baby. He has 2-3 vivid dreams recently where we have a little girl. It is always heartbreaking for the first couple days afterwards, but it passes. I've had incredibly realistic dreams like this too, but thankfully haven't had any recently. The thing that made me pull over off the side of the road and cry for a few minutes was when Tim texted me and told me that all he remembers about it was that it was a girl (again) and that he remembers calling his family members and sobbing and saying we finally had a baby. It tugged the strings of my already emotional heart and made me break down. I can see both happiness and sadness in this and other "baby dreams" and I'm trying to hold on to the happiness and hope that maybe, just maybe, it's a sign that we will soon be parents. I hope my prayers are being heard... If nothing else, I need some guidance and understanding. It WILL happen for us.
Anyway, just a brief update. I hope everyone is having a nice week... XoXo
Wednesday, November 30, 2011
Tuesday, November 29, 2011
AF Due Tomorrow!
So, I am having some mild cramps right
now, and I'm hoping that is good. I am set to start my period tomorrow,
11/30. I have been waiting for this since 10/29 where I had some
spotting and then no real period flow. It was pretty horrible and I had a
rough month of trying to keep track of anything. I've
still been taking my BBT every morning, as well as taking the FertilAid
and Fertile CM 3x every day, along with Metformin and a Prenatal
Vitamin. I think I can safely say that FertilAid has helped me so far in
trying to "normalize" my body. I've seen a significant different in my
CM as well as my BBT's being more consistent and normal. YAY!
So, as long as my AF comes this month, on CD 5- I will begin my first round of Clomid finally. I will be taking 50 mg. every morning on CD 5 through CD 10. Then, starting CD 11, I will begin baby-dancing literally every-other day. I will take an ovulation test every day because I have never seen a positive OPK, so I'm really hoping this makes me ovulate. On the day of ovulation, we plan to BD twice, and then every day for 2 days after ovulation, just to be certain. So... there is a lot of sex in my coming future. LOL! Luckily for me, I have an attentive and loving husband.
I refuse to think negative thoughts, so as of right now, I am certain this will work and we will get our BFP by Christmas. Realistically, there is a good chance it won't work. But, I would rather be positive and hopeful than worrying and stressing the whole time. And, if and when I get that BFN... I know you all will be there for me. I hope all of you are doing well.:)
Okay... time to go! Wish me luck? XoXo
So, as long as my AF comes this month, on CD 5- I will begin my first round of Clomid finally. I will be taking 50 mg. every morning on CD 5 through CD 10. Then, starting CD 11, I will begin baby-dancing literally every-other day. I will take an ovulation test every day because I have never seen a positive OPK, so I'm really hoping this makes me ovulate. On the day of ovulation, we plan to BD twice, and then every day for 2 days after ovulation, just to be certain. So... there is a lot of sex in my coming future. LOL! Luckily for me, I have an attentive and loving husband.
I refuse to think negative thoughts, so as of right now, I am certain this will work and we will get our BFP by Christmas. Realistically, there is a good chance it won't work. But, I would rather be positive and hopeful than worrying and stressing the whole time. And, if and when I get that BFN... I know you all will be there for me. I hope all of you are doing well.:)
Okay... time to go! Wish me luck? XoXo
Friday, November 25, 2011
Hair, Holidays and Humility
Since my last post quite a few days ago, much has gone on! Not exactly too much regarding fertility and babies but a few things. I'll do my best to cover them all here. I'll also share some various pictures of the events at the end of the post. :)
1. FertilAid and Fertile CM is working! I chart my BBT every day. For the most part, there is no consistent noticable way of tracking ovulation. My temps could range from 96 to 98 on a weekly basis with no rhyme or reason. However, as of the last 5 days my temperatures are almost identical! I contacted a FertilAid representative and she informed me that this is a definite sign that the pills are working to regulate my entire reproductive health. I also have noticed a definite increase in my CM (cervical mucus) and according to my charting, I am due a visit from Aunt Flow in 5 days. Then I will begin Clomid and will no doubt share an update at that time too.
2. FertilAid for Men is working for Tim! (we think) We have both noticed an increase in Tim's sex drive, (not that he needed any help lol!) but I also just have a gut feeling that it has improved his little swimmers. We are about to start out 2nd month supply of the pills. Fingers crossed!
3. I got my hair cut, highlighted and styled! I will share a picture below of the cute new 'do. It is definitely a new look and for the most part, I like it! It's easier to manage, and is versatile! I'm still learning new ways to style it, and it's fun. :) It also helped me feel more like a woman, and confident. Thank you to my hubby for encouraging me to have a little "me-time" and get pampered for a day.
4. Thanksgiving! The holiday has come and gone so quickly! The day was mostly pleasant and filled with SO MUCH good food. I enjoyed every thing I ate- and boy did I eat! Whew! I will share a photo below. I am SOOO thankful for the family I have, the food I was able to indulge in, and that my dear Mom is still able to prepare such a big, glorious feast. I am thankful for my loving husband, and all of the little blessings I have all around me in my life. What a great day to feel humble.
5. My sister is in town. I got to spend some time with my sister Ginger who is in town from Georgia. It was nice to have one night with just us girls; laughing, being silly and having fun. I wish we had more of those days, but it was nice and I am thankful we were able to do it.
6. I found out yesterday, on Thanksgiving, that I have a half brother that my dad "fathered" YEARS ago, and I never knew about it. I have not met him, and I actually heard about it through the grapevine by accident. Although I am crushed to know I didn't get to hear it from my own father... I am trying hard not to let that and the whole situation back then bring me down. I'm also praying for peace for those involved, and some sort of understanding and help to forgive the one person I can't.
So that's about all that has happened since my last post... Other than those things, I am just going day by day, praying for guidance as well trying very hard to count my blessings. I am fortunate to have all I do, and I will try harder to cherish those things and not be brought down by the inability to have a baby yet or other unimportant, negative things that life tosses our way.
Happy Holidays! I hope you are all enjoying this magical season. I wish happiness, love and good spirits to all of you. Thanks for reading my thoughts. :) Until Next Time... XoXo
1. FertilAid and Fertile CM is working! I chart my BBT every day. For the most part, there is no consistent noticable way of tracking ovulation. My temps could range from 96 to 98 on a weekly basis with no rhyme or reason. However, as of the last 5 days my temperatures are almost identical! I contacted a FertilAid representative and she informed me that this is a definite sign that the pills are working to regulate my entire reproductive health. I also have noticed a definite increase in my CM (cervical mucus) and according to my charting, I am due a visit from Aunt Flow in 5 days. Then I will begin Clomid and will no doubt share an update at that time too.
2. FertilAid for Men is working for Tim! (we think) We have both noticed an increase in Tim's sex drive, (not that he needed any help lol!) but I also just have a gut feeling that it has improved his little swimmers. We are about to start out 2nd month supply of the pills. Fingers crossed!
3. I got my hair cut, highlighted and styled! I will share a picture below of the cute new 'do. It is definitely a new look and for the most part, I like it! It's easier to manage, and is versatile! I'm still learning new ways to style it, and it's fun. :) It also helped me feel more like a woman, and confident. Thank you to my hubby for encouraging me to have a little "me-time" and get pampered for a day.
4. Thanksgiving! The holiday has come and gone so quickly! The day was mostly pleasant and filled with SO MUCH good food. I enjoyed every thing I ate- and boy did I eat! Whew! I will share a photo below. I am SOOO thankful for the family I have, the food I was able to indulge in, and that my dear Mom is still able to prepare such a big, glorious feast. I am thankful for my loving husband, and all of the little blessings I have all around me in my life. What a great day to feel humble.
5. My sister is in town. I got to spend some time with my sister Ginger who is in town from Georgia. It was nice to have one night with just us girls; laughing, being silly and having fun. I wish we had more of those days, but it was nice and I am thankful we were able to do it.
6. I found out yesterday, on Thanksgiving, that I have a half brother that my dad "fathered" YEARS ago, and I never knew about it. I have not met him, and I actually heard about it through the grapevine by accident. Although I am crushed to know I didn't get to hear it from my own father... I am trying hard not to let that and the whole situation back then bring me down. I'm also praying for peace for those involved, and some sort of understanding and help to forgive the one person I can't.
So that's about all that has happened since my last post... Other than those things, I am just going day by day, praying for guidance as well trying very hard to count my blessings. I am fortunate to have all I do, and I will try harder to cherish those things and not be brought down by the inability to have a baby yet or other unimportant, negative things that life tosses our way.
Happy Holidays! I hope you are all enjoying this magical season. I wish happiness, love and good spirits to all of you. Thanks for reading my thoughts. :) Until Next Time... XoXo
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| My Plate of Dinner- No box ingredients for this family! 2 Slices of Turkey Breast, Homemade Roll, Homemade Mashed Potatoes, Homemade Turkey Gravy flavored from real drippings, Homemade Stuffing, Greenbean Casserole and yes, olives. LOL! I ate 1 slice of turkey, half the potatoes, all of the stuffing, all of the greenbean casserole, and 3 olives. I was stuffed but it was OH SO GOOD! Mmmm |
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| The Table Set for Thanksgiving Dinner- and the Ham Roll Ups I made as an appetizer/relish tray |
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| New Haircut/Highlights Side View |
Sunday, November 13, 2011
A New Approach!
I posted this idea of mine on the TTC and Infertility support group I am part of a few days ago and after some unfortunate news, along with some positive news, I decided I'd share it with you all as well, in hopes of it bringing some sort of hope or motivation to those of you struggling with this. You see, my husband has a high sperm count but low motility and high abnormal form. I was diagnosed with Anovulation and after 4 years of TTC, we have started to realize we might not ever become parents. It is draining and it's ruining my life to be so negative and to have given up hope. So we started doing the following more and more and you know what? I feel better about the future now. I've also been placed on Clomid while the Hubby takes FertilAid for Men, so here's hoping. Anyway, if nothing else, it's worth a try!
After studying psychology in college, I am obviously intrigued by the mind. I have been discovering new forms of healing for things like TTC and Infertility. It's mental, and it's apparently worked for people for things like curing diabetes by exercising and losing weight, giving up smoking, etc.
Something I have recently started is to do things to prep for having a baby, before I even conceive! So many of us women are so used to telling ourselves we can't get pregnant or it's not happening, etc. We instead need to be optimistic. One way of tricking your brain into making your body do what you want is through slow, small steps that progressively aim towards the goal you wish to receive. For example: I want to get pregnant. So, I've started doing little things in preparation for having a baby. A few things you can do is to buy some baby clothes. Not a lot and not too often. Something small, inexpensive, here and there. Maybe buy a baby bottle one week and add it to a "baby" bin. (something devoted just to your future baby) A couple days later, you see the baby section at the store. Instead of quickly walking away because it's too painful, walk over proudly, look at the things you would get if you were already pregnant. Maybe buy a pair of socks or a onesie, or a pack of baby wipes. I plan to buy a baby book. I plan to start writing letters and putting them into the baby book so my future child can read the struggles I went through to conceive him/her, and how much he/she means to me. I also bought a frame the other day. The frame is aimed for my mother and that's all I can say in case she is reading this! lol
These little things trigger a response in us. Our bodies are programmed to listen to our brains. As you're reading this, your brain is telling your eyes to move to each new word. It happens instantly. Think about this: we are so used to receiving negative HPT's and heartbreaking news that we almost lose hope. Our brain listens to what we say and in turn, over time, our body responds. I have said out loud and to myself for the last 2 years that "we aren't going to be able to have a baby. I'm giving up." and what do you know? My body has listened. I'm not saying this a cure in ANY way, but hell, it's worth a try. And best of all? It's positive, it's inexpensive, and it allows us to keep our dreams in our lives.
I made a promise to myself, my husband and our future child that I will no longer say "We can't." Instead I will say "We will." And dammit, I will make myself believe it. I will do good things for my body. I will pray, practice yoga, take my vitamins, and slowly, build a collection of things for our unborn child. When that times comes for us, it will be that much more amazing.
Thanks for reading friends. XoXo
After studying psychology in college, I am obviously intrigued by the mind. I have been discovering new forms of healing for things like TTC and Infertility. It's mental, and it's apparently worked for people for things like curing diabetes by exercising and losing weight, giving up smoking, etc.
Something I have recently started is to do things to prep for having a baby, before I even conceive! So many of us women are so used to telling ourselves we can't get pregnant or it's not happening, etc. We instead need to be optimistic. One way of tricking your brain into making your body do what you want is through slow, small steps that progressively aim towards the goal you wish to receive. For example: I want to get pregnant. So, I've started doing little things in preparation for having a baby. A few things you can do is to buy some baby clothes. Not a lot and not too often. Something small, inexpensive, here and there. Maybe buy a baby bottle one week and add it to a "baby" bin. (something devoted just to your future baby) A couple days later, you see the baby section at the store. Instead of quickly walking away because it's too painful, walk over proudly, look at the things you would get if you were already pregnant. Maybe buy a pair of socks or a onesie, or a pack of baby wipes. I plan to buy a baby book. I plan to start writing letters and putting them into the baby book so my future child can read the struggles I went through to conceive him/her, and how much he/she means to me. I also bought a frame the other day. The frame is aimed for my mother and that's all I can say in case she is reading this! lol
These little things trigger a response in us. Our bodies are programmed to listen to our brains. As you're reading this, your brain is telling your eyes to move to each new word. It happens instantly. Think about this: we are so used to receiving negative HPT's and heartbreaking news that we almost lose hope. Our brain listens to what we say and in turn, over time, our body responds. I have said out loud and to myself for the last 2 years that "we aren't going to be able to have a baby. I'm giving up." and what do you know? My body has listened. I'm not saying this a cure in ANY way, but hell, it's worth a try. And best of all? It's positive, it's inexpensive, and it allows us to keep our dreams in our lives.
I made a promise to myself, my husband and our future child that I will no longer say "We can't." Instead I will say "We will." And dammit, I will make myself believe it. I will do good things for my body. I will pray, practice yoga, take my vitamins, and slowly, build a collection of things for our unborn child. When that times comes for us, it will be that much more amazing.
Thanks for reading friends. XoXo
Thursday, November 10, 2011
There is *HOPE* after all
Alright, so since my last post I have received some better news. The lab did not elaborate on anything from DH's SA so we took the bad news and it simply sank in. Thankfully, my amazing doctor called and told us the positive news. (who knew there was any?) Now, while his motility is a little low and his morphology has a high number of abnormal form, his volume and count was ridiculously high. (good thing!)
SA Results:
Count per test= 41 million (average is at least 25 million)
Total Count per sample= 308 million (average is at least 59 million)
Volume= 7.5 (average is 1-5)
Motility= 40 (average 50-100)
Normal Form= 35 (average 60-100)
Abnormal Form= 65 (average 0-40)
So while the abnormal form is much higher than we would like it to be, there ARE still normal, healthy swimmers, and combined with the fact that his count and volume is SO high, there is still a good chance one of those normal little swimmers will make it to my egg which means it is NOT hopeless yet!
We've also most likely pin-pointed the main issue: I don't ovulate like normal. Anovulation is my technical term for it, meaning I still get normal periods and have healthy fertile eggs, but I none of them are being ovulated! So as of yesterday I was prescribed 50 mg of Clomid for 2 months. I had an abdominal ultrasound yesterday and he couldn't see much for some reason so he did one internally and my ovaries appear to be fine. They are a normal size at 3 cm by 2.5 cm. There are no large cysts and plenty of healthy eggs. My uterus is in a normal place and shape with no abnormalities. My bladder was nice and healthy and my colon contained an interesting looking bowel movement. I know that is totally TMI but I literally laughed when the doctor showed it to me so I had to share it with you. Anyway, as he was fishing around my ovaries and showing me things on the monitor I started to cry because I imagined being on the table and waiting to see my baby in there. I know that one day, hopefully soon, I will be looking at my little baby growing, instead of a odd bowel movement in my colon. LOL!
So now once my AF (period) decides to show up, I will then start Clomid on day 5-10 of my cycle and begin baby-dancing on Day 11 throughout the rest of the month. Hopefully, this initial round of Clomid works and I get my BFP by Christmas! But, if not, he will bump me up to 100 mg for 2 more months. And, I won't even think about what comes after that if it still doesn't work because in my heart, I am having faith that this WILL WORK! Thank you everyone who has been so supportive and kind and uplifting for me the last couple of days. I greatly appreciate you all.
XoXo
SA Results:
Count per test= 41 million (average is at least 25 million)
Total Count per sample= 308 million (average is at least 59 million)
Volume= 7.5 (average is 1-5)
Motility= 40 (average 50-100)
Normal Form= 35 (average 60-100)
Abnormal Form= 65 (average 0-40)
So while the abnormal form is much higher than we would like it to be, there ARE still normal, healthy swimmers, and combined with the fact that his count and volume is SO high, there is still a good chance one of those normal little swimmers will make it to my egg which means it is NOT hopeless yet!
We've also most likely pin-pointed the main issue: I don't ovulate like normal. Anovulation is my technical term for it, meaning I still get normal periods and have healthy fertile eggs, but I none of them are being ovulated! So as of yesterday I was prescribed 50 mg of Clomid for 2 months. I had an abdominal ultrasound yesterday and he couldn't see much for some reason so he did one internally and my ovaries appear to be fine. They are a normal size at 3 cm by 2.5 cm. There are no large cysts and plenty of healthy eggs. My uterus is in a normal place and shape with no abnormalities. My bladder was nice and healthy and my colon contained an interesting looking bowel movement. I know that is totally TMI but I literally laughed when the doctor showed it to me so I had to share it with you. Anyway, as he was fishing around my ovaries and showing me things on the monitor I started to cry because I imagined being on the table and waiting to see my baby in there. I know that one day, hopefully soon, I will be looking at my little baby growing, instead of a odd bowel movement in my colon. LOL!
So now once my AF (period) decides to show up, I will then start Clomid on day 5-10 of my cycle and begin baby-dancing on Day 11 throughout the rest of the month. Hopefully, this initial round of Clomid works and I get my BFP by Christmas! But, if not, he will bump me up to 100 mg for 2 more months. And, I won't even think about what comes after that if it still doesn't work because in my heart, I am having faith that this WILL WORK! Thank you everyone who has been so supportive and kind and uplifting for me the last couple of days. I greatly appreciate you all.
XoXo
Tuesday, November 8, 2011
Motherhood Down the Drain
so my husband just had a sperm analysis done yesterday. We got the results today. His sperm count and volume was excellent. However, his motility was low, and his morphology was horrible. More than half of them are abnormal. The normal form was very low and the abnormal form was high. I am feeling so incredibly down right now that I can barely function.
I've also been doing some research on Anovulation and my new doctor seems to think that might be my own issue. Basically, I still get periods, fairly on time, but I don't ovulate. That's why I have several healthy eggs on my ovaries, but I simply don't ovulate. As of a few days ago, I've been having cramps in my lower abdomen and around my ovaries. I assumed it was my period coming since it is not 1 week late. I also thought it could be pregnancy pains somehow so I of course took 2 Clearblue Digital pregnancy tests. Both read "Not Pregnant". I should have waited for DH's Sperm Analysis results before getting my hopes up at all.
So now at this point, it's come to our attention that without IVF, our chances of conceiving are really low, practically impossible. I don't want to do IVF for the simple fact that it is way too expensive, with such a low success rate. Even if I tempted the idea of doing IVF or IUI, we would have to wait AT LEAST 2 years before doing so, since it costs WAY to much money. I am having a hard time coming to terms that I won't get to be a mother. I was so optimistic yesterday and now today after hearing this, I am just sick to my stomach. I know that there are other ways to try and conceive in our situation but I simply don't think we should have to. I don't understand why anyone has to struggle with infertility. Isn't it our right to be able to procreate? My entire life I've been told one man and one woman get fall in love, get married, have children and live happily ever after. I get it seems like a fantasy to some people but I was told that. I believed in that. My father ruined my view of men for so many years. I still hate what he did to my mom and our family. I don't honestly think I can ever forget it. And then I found my husband... and he is everything my dad is not and everything I dreamed a husband would be. WE FOLLOWED THE PLAN. We met, fell in love, got married, and now where is our baby? Don't we deserve what everyone else does? At this point in time, I simply don't want to get out of bed. I am hoping this will pass but I will be honest, it has ruined my faith and rocked my belief system to the core.
I've also been doing some research on Anovulation and my new doctor seems to think that might be my own issue. Basically, I still get periods, fairly on time, but I don't ovulate. That's why I have several healthy eggs on my ovaries, but I simply don't ovulate. As of a few days ago, I've been having cramps in my lower abdomen and around my ovaries. I assumed it was my period coming since it is not 1 week late. I also thought it could be pregnancy pains somehow so I of course took 2 Clearblue Digital pregnancy tests. Both read "Not Pregnant". I should have waited for DH's Sperm Analysis results before getting my hopes up at all.
So now at this point, it's come to our attention that without IVF, our chances of conceiving are really low, practically impossible. I don't want to do IVF for the simple fact that it is way too expensive, with such a low success rate. Even if I tempted the idea of doing IVF or IUI, we would have to wait AT LEAST 2 years before doing so, since it costs WAY to much money. I am having a hard time coming to terms that I won't get to be a mother. I was so optimistic yesterday and now today after hearing this, I am just sick to my stomach. I know that there are other ways to try and conceive in our situation but I simply don't think we should have to. I don't understand why anyone has to struggle with infertility. Isn't it our right to be able to procreate? My entire life I've been told one man and one woman get fall in love, get married, have children and live happily ever after. I get it seems like a fantasy to some people but I was told that. I believed in that. My father ruined my view of men for so many years. I still hate what he did to my mom and our family. I don't honestly think I can ever forget it. And then I found my husband... and he is everything my dad is not and everything I dreamed a husband would be. WE FOLLOWED THE PLAN. We met, fell in love, got married, and now where is our baby? Don't we deserve what everyone else does? At this point in time, I simply don't want to get out of bed. I am hoping this will pass but I will be honest, it has ruined my faith and rocked my belief system to the core.
Saturday, November 5, 2011
A Lonely Night
So, it is 1:35 am. I'm alone, as DH has gone off to bed and I don't know why, but I just started crying. It is dark, quiet and I have my lovely two cats sitting here next to me. I'm not sure if it's my mind or an actual spirit around me but I feel entirely too emotional. I thought I'd get on here and write what I'm feeling and hopefully that will help me get to sleep.
I still have not gotten my period. I called and cancelled the HSG test on Friday because I can't get it done without getting my period, so that was a complete waste of planning.
I'm still not sure what's going on with my body, and every day that goes by, I feel like punching something soft... I don't want to get hurt because hello? I'm a girl. But that whole "punching" thing would no doubt make me feel a bit better.
Speaking of feeling better, or lack there of, yoga didn't work for me last night. I tried to get into it, but I had this incredibly awkward feeling that I was being watched. (seriously, no joke) It was weird... so, I am still kind of wound up and just waiting for it to pass.
I'm finding it harder to be optimistic right now. As I look back at our life together, I seriously wonder if those two times that we think I had a miscarriage even existed. (see the first post titled: From the Beginning, Shall We?) They weren't ever discovered until afterward. There were no positive pregnancy tests, no doctor confirmations or any signs. Which leads me to believe they never even existed, just an intense period. I will never actually know, and as the days, weeks, months and years continue to fly by me, I feel as if they in fact weren't real. My whole mindset is focused on not being able to have a baby. I realize this mood will pass but right now I am entirely too scared to think about having to endure IVF or IUI and no offense to anyone at all, but adoption is just simply not the same to us. We would love whatever child we were given, but adoption just isn't a cure for infertility. I know wallowing isn't either, but, sometimes it's easier than everything else.
For the past few days I haven't even wanted to get out of bed. I'm tired, and although I can maintain an overall pleasant attitude once my husband gets home for the evening, during the day I simply "exist" when I'm alone. I know this is a phase that will pass once my spirits are up. I also know that I'm feeling this way because my levels are not normal. Without getting my period on time I am almost certain something is out of whack and causing me to be so bummed tonight. It just kills me to think that those miscarriages we thought we had didn't even exist. So, therefore I am not only TTC and unsuccessful, I actually am seriously infertile. I've heard from some women who were in the same situation and they now feel they weren't miscarriages at all, just a really horrible period. That saddens me. There are so many women who are unable to conceive. I'm lucky to have met a few new people lately through an online support group. There are some truly wonderful people out there. I wish everyone could just live happily ever after, whatever it means to them. Yes... I am a dreamer.
Until next time.... XoXo
I still have not gotten my period. I called and cancelled the HSG test on Friday because I can't get it done without getting my period, so that was a complete waste of planning.
I'm still not sure what's going on with my body, and every day that goes by, I feel like punching something soft... I don't want to get hurt because hello? I'm a girl. But that whole "punching" thing would no doubt make me feel a bit better.
Speaking of feeling better, or lack there of, yoga didn't work for me last night. I tried to get into it, but I had this incredibly awkward feeling that I was being watched. (seriously, no joke) It was weird... so, I am still kind of wound up and just waiting for it to pass.
I'm finding it harder to be optimistic right now. As I look back at our life together, I seriously wonder if those two times that we think I had a miscarriage even existed. (see the first post titled: From the Beginning, Shall We?) They weren't ever discovered until afterward. There were no positive pregnancy tests, no doctor confirmations or any signs. Which leads me to believe they never even existed, just an intense period. I will never actually know, and as the days, weeks, months and years continue to fly by me, I feel as if they in fact weren't real. My whole mindset is focused on not being able to have a baby. I realize this mood will pass but right now I am entirely too scared to think about having to endure IVF or IUI and no offense to anyone at all, but adoption is just simply not the same to us. We would love whatever child we were given, but adoption just isn't a cure for infertility. I know wallowing isn't either, but, sometimes it's easier than everything else.
For the past few days I haven't even wanted to get out of bed. I'm tired, and although I can maintain an overall pleasant attitude once my husband gets home for the evening, during the day I simply "exist" when I'm alone. I know this is a phase that will pass once my spirits are up. I also know that I'm feeling this way because my levels are not normal. Without getting my period on time I am almost certain something is out of whack and causing me to be so bummed tonight. It just kills me to think that those miscarriages we thought we had didn't even exist. So, therefore I am not only TTC and unsuccessful, I actually am seriously infertile. I've heard from some women who were in the same situation and they now feel they weren't miscarriages at all, just a really horrible period. That saddens me. There are so many women who are unable to conceive. I'm lucky to have met a few new people lately through an online support group. There are some truly wonderful people out there. I wish everyone could just live happily ever after, whatever it means to them. Yes... I am a dreamer.
Until next time.... XoXo
Friday, November 4, 2011
Still no AF, Tests on Monday
So, my AF (aunt flow) still has not showed up. It is now 4 days late. I haven't taken a HPT for two days because it was negative, so I'm discouraged. But, I'm starting to wonder what is going on? My flow has been nice and regular lately so why now is it going out of whack? Pretty annoyed right now.
But on a side note, I am still scheduled to have my HSG test on Monday, although I have to call and cancel it if my AF doesn't show up tomorrow. Hubby is set to get a SA (semen analysis) on Monday as well. So, hopefully we get as much information as we can soon. We ordered our first full supply of FertilAid products (FertilAid for Her, FertilAid for Him, Fertil CM and a Fertile Focus Ovulation Microscope) It should arrive any day now.
Well.. that's pretty much it for an update... I hope everyone is having a good week. Thanks for all the positive feedback. I am blessed with some good friends and family!
XoXo
But on a side note, I am still scheduled to have my HSG test on Monday, although I have to call and cancel it if my AF doesn't show up tomorrow. Hubby is set to get a SA (semen analysis) on Monday as well. So, hopefully we get as much information as we can soon. We ordered our first full supply of FertilAid products (FertilAid for Her, FertilAid for Him, Fertil CM and a Fertile Focus Ovulation Microscope) It should arrive any day now.
Well.. that's pretty much it for an update... I hope everyone is having a good week. Thanks for all the positive feedback. I am blessed with some good friends and family!
XoXo
Wednesday, November 2, 2011
Missing-In-Action!
So my AF (aunt flow) has decided to go MIA.
Yesterday, November 1 I started my period (or so I thought) I had spotting on 10/29, nothing the 20th, a little the 31st and then November 1, there was some actual blood. There was a significant
amount of blood, however, early evening maybe 4-ish it vanished and has
not come back. I don't know if she's scared and is hiding out or simply
confused but she needs to make up her mind! I have my HSG test scheduled
for Monday and don't want to have to reschedule!
I took a HPT today, around 11-ish and it was negative. So, I will give the ol' uterus until Friday to get it together and if she doesn't, then I will have to cancel the appointment. :( I don't know at what point I should go to the doctor and test my HCG level in my blood but, I am afraid to. I think this is just mother nature rearing her "always in control" head and causing me more heartache. Anyway, prayers and good-baby-vibes are always welcomed!
XoXo
I took a HPT today, around 11-ish and it was negative. So, I will give the ol' uterus until Friday to get it together and if she doesn't, then I will have to cancel the appointment. :( I don't know at what point I should go to the doctor and test my HCG level in my blood but, I am afraid to. I think this is just mother nature rearing her "always in control" head and causing me more heartache. Anyway, prayers and good-baby-vibes are always welcomed!
XoXo
Tuesday, November 1, 2011
Etiquette for TTC/Infertility
http://blogs.babycenter.com/mom_stories/10-ways-to-support-a-friend-who-is-infertile/
This has a beautiful passage that I will share below, or you can read the whole article through the link above. There is also a small list of things people should and should not say when talking to a person who is TTC, and having fertility issues. I completely agree with all of these.
"The pain [of infertility] is similar to the grief over losing a loved one, but it is unique because it is a recurring grief. When a loved one dies, he isn’t coming back. There is no hope that he will come back from the dead. You must work through the stages of grief, accept that you will never see this person again, and move on with your life.
The grief of infertility is not so cut and dry. Infertile people grieve the loss of the baby that they may never know. They grieve the loss of that baby who would have had mommy’s nose and daddy’s eyes. But, each month, there is the hope that maybe that baby will be conceived after all. No matter how hard they try to prepare themselves for bad news, they still hope that this month will be different. Then, the bad news comes again, and the grief washes over the infertile couple anew. This process happens month after month, year after year. It is like having a deep cut that keeps getting opened right when it starts to heal."
10. Don’t Tell Them to Relax
9. Don’t Minimize the Problem
8. Don’t Say There Are Worse Things That Could Happen
7. Don’t Say They Aren’t Meant to Be Parents
6. Don’t Ask Why They Aren’t Trying IVF
5. Don’t Complain About Your Pregnancy
4. Don’t Gossip About Their Infertility
3. Don’t Push Adoption (Yet)
2. Let Them Know That You Care
1. Remember Them on Mother’s Day
This has a beautiful passage that I will share below, or you can read the whole article through the link above. There is also a small list of things people should and should not say when talking to a person who is TTC, and having fertility issues. I completely agree with all of these.
"The pain [of infertility] is similar to the grief over losing a loved one, but it is unique because it is a recurring grief. When a loved one dies, he isn’t coming back. There is no hope that he will come back from the dead. You must work through the stages of grief, accept that you will never see this person again, and move on with your life.
The grief of infertility is not so cut and dry. Infertile people grieve the loss of the baby that they may never know. They grieve the loss of that baby who would have had mommy’s nose and daddy’s eyes. But, each month, there is the hope that maybe that baby will be conceived after all. No matter how hard they try to prepare themselves for bad news, they still hope that this month will be different. Then, the bad news comes again, and the grief washes over the infertile couple anew. This process happens month after month, year after year. It is like having a deep cut that keeps getting opened right when it starts to heal."
10. Don’t Tell Them to Relax
9. Don’t Minimize the Problem
8. Don’t Say There Are Worse Things That Could Happen
7. Don’t Say They Aren’t Meant to Be Parents
6. Don’t Ask Why They Aren’t Trying IVF
5. Don’t Complain About Your Pregnancy
4. Don’t Gossip About Their Infertility
3. Don’t Push Adoption (Yet)
2. Let Them Know That You Care
1. Remember Them on Mother’s Day
Another BFN
Just an update since the last post:
So, after all of the confusion over possible implantation spotting and waking up to no period still and the whole "implantation spotting" in my head from a few days earlier, I took a HPT. Of course, I should have just waited. I saw the BFN and I tell you what, I cried, again.
We will cross our fingers for a BFP later this month.
XoXo
So, after all of the confusion over possible implantation spotting and waking up to no period still and the whole "implantation spotting" in my head from a few days earlier, I took a HPT. Of course, I should have just waited. I saw the BFN and I tell you what, I cried, again.
We will cross our fingers for a BFP later this month.
XoXo
Implantation Bleeding or Early Period?
I'm struggling with trying to understand my body lately. I've been getting pretty regular periods now for a while so it seems easier to track ovulation and menstruation days. I was set to start my period November 1 but on October 29, I had some brown discharge. It was a tiny bit of spotting so I ignored it thinking my period was coming early. Then on October 30, I had more brown discharge around noon, and it was enough for me to use a tampon, since I assumed my full-on period was about to flow soon. A couple of hours later, I removed the tampon and it just the brown "goo" on it, which from my understanding is blood that is old and has had enough oxygen to darken. So, I waited, and the entire rest of the day there wasn't a single spot of fluid. I did some research and discovered that there is something called implantation spotting/bleeding. Typically, after intercourse during the week of ovulation, you can notice spotting here and there if the fertilized egg has implanted into the uterine wall. This happens because when it implants itself, some blood that has been lining up throughout the cycle is shed. I also read that if the spotting is light pink or light red then it means the implantation could be fairly recent. If the spotting is brown, then the implantation could have taken place some time ago, and the blood that was shed is "old" and is just now actually shedding. I read that if it occurs a few days-to a week before your expected period it could be implantation spotting and that if you have a late or missed period, check for pregnancy. I got slightly excited and thought "This is finally it!" and I've tried to cut back on the abdominal exercises and just focus on the breathing and yoga sessions I've been doing, for my own piece of mind.
Well, on October 31, there was still no more discharge until around 3 pm and then there was just a tiny bit here and there when I used the bathroom. Not enough to even wear a panty liner really, so I have been feeling confused. From what I understand, the implantation spotting should be a small amount. Now compared to an actual period, this was definitely a SMALL amount. But to me, it shouldn't have had a little bit each day for 3 days, but at the same time... if it is my period coming early... what is taking it so long? I am just entirely too confused and clearly want that BFP right now.
Since it is now 1:00 am on November 1, I will give my body a few days to make up its mind and if there is no more discharge and no period, I will take a HPT. My gut tells me that it is just an abnormal cycle due to stress or who really knows? I think mother nature likes to be in control, even though I'm doing all I can to maintain a healthy state of being. Regardless, I am hoping that the lord heard our prayers and that we get some good news. However, if I'm not pregnant, and my period doesn't actually come, I will have to reschedule my HSG test. I'm set to have the test done on Monday, November 7, at 10:00 am. I'm of course, as nervous as can be, and am torn between getting it over with, and putting it off completely. Anyway... just a few ramblings I've had rolling around in my head today... I hope everyone had a safe and fun Halloween holiday! :)
XoXo
XoXo
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