A Lonely Night

So, it is 1:35 am. I'm alone, as DH has gone off to bed and I don't know why, but I just started crying. It is dark, quiet and I have my lovely two cats sitting here next to me. I'm not sure if it's my mind or an actual spirit around me but I feel entirely too emotional. I thought I'd get on here and write what I'm feeling and hopefully that will help me get to sleep.

I still have not gotten my period. I called and cancelled the HSG test on Friday because I can't get it done without getting my period, so that was a complete waste of planning.

I'm still not sure what's going on with my body, and every day that goes by, I feel like punching something soft... I don't want to get hurt because hello? I'm a girl. But that whole "punching" thing would no doubt make me feel a bit better.

Speaking of feeling better, or lack there of, yoga didn't work for me last night. I tried to get into it, but I had this incredibly awkward feeling that I was being watched. (seriously, no joke) It was weird... so, I am still kind of wound up and just waiting for it to pass.

I'm finding it harder to be optimistic right now. As I look back at our life together, I seriously wonder if those two times that we think I had a miscarriage even existed. (see the first post titled: From the Beginning, Shall We?) They weren't ever discovered until afterward. There were no positive pregnancy tests, no doctor confirmations or any signs. Which leads me to believe they never even existed, just an intense period. I will never actually know, and as the days, weeks, months and years continue to fly by me, I feel as if they in fact weren't real. My whole mindset is focused on not being able to have a baby. I realize this mood will pass but right now I am entirely too scared to think about having to endure IVF or IUI and no offense to anyone at all, but adoption is just simply not the same to us. We would love whatever child we were given, but adoption just isn't a cure for infertility. I know wallowing isn't either, but, sometimes it's easier than everything else.

For the past few days I haven't even wanted to get out of bed. I'm tired, and although I can maintain an overall pleasant attitude once my husband gets home for the evening, during the day I simply "exist" when I'm alone. I know this is a phase that will pass once my spirits are up. I also know that I'm feeling this way because my levels are not normal. Without getting my period on time I am almost certain something is out of whack and causing me to be so bummed tonight. It just kills me to think that those miscarriages we thought we had didn't even exist. So, therefore I am not only TTC and unsuccessful, I actually am seriously infertile. I've heard from some women who were in the same situation and they now feel they weren't miscarriages at all, just a really horrible period. That saddens me. There are so many women who are unable to conceive. I'm lucky to have met a few new people lately through an online support group. There are some truly wonderful people out there. I wish everyone could just live happily ever after, whatever it means to them. Yes... I am a dreamer.

Until next time.... XoXo