HSG Results- *Oddly At Peace*

First off, thank you to all of the amazing people who have been so supportive, encouraging and optimistic. I am very grateful!

As you all know, the HSG test (hysterosalpingogram) was done today. I decided to be completely honest in case anyone else has to schedule and deal with one of these tests. Everyone's experiences are different and there are several factors that contribute to pain/results. The following was my experience;

Results: my right tube is completely blocked/closed. After pushing and pushing, the dye would not go through. HOWEVER, my left tube is free and clear and looking good. My uterus and cervix appear to be "normal" and healthy. There were no fibroids or issues detected other than the right fallopian tube.

What I Experienced: It wasn't as bad as I'd imagined, however, it was painful and no where near a "menstrual cramp" for me. I psyched myself up for the catheter and that was oddly the easiest part. The spectrum would not stay in position. Apparently, my super vagina was too strong and kept squeezing it shut. I tried all I could to "relax the girl" but she bit down hard. It took 4 times of him adjusting the spectrum to get it to stay in one position. The first time it hurt really bad because it "collapsed" and pinched my woohoo. This hurt pretty bad but, the very sweet doctor fixed it right away. After cleaning the cervix, and finally getting it adjusted, he tried inserting the catheter twice. It would not go in normal because again, "Super 'Gina" kept misbehaving. So the nurse gave him a clear, bendable catheter and that went right in. Granted it wasn't pleasant, it didn't hurt too bad. It just felt like a pinch/poke. I watched the crystal clear monitor and was amazed at my uterus. It looked so odd! He said it was in perfect position, with a perfect shape. That gave me some happiness. He then expanded the "balloon" and holy son of biscuit, that hurt! It was like a "pop" that gave me a HUGE cramp. I got through that because it lasted just a few seconds and then came the terrifying part. He told me he was injecting the dye and I instantly felt it. It was almost like a "warm" sensation and the "menstrual cramps" came. It immediately poured into and through the left ovary (I now call her "The Champ") but unfortunately did not go through the right one at all. Try as he might, he couldn't push a single drop through and eventually as I bit down crying my eyes out at the pain of it, he said "Okay, I am not going to push anymore. I'm so sorry dear." Everything was removed and I sat up. I was bawling like a baby (my anxiety mixed with the results of a painfully blocked tube were just too intense) and he looked at me with sincere eyes and explained that there is surgeries that can be done to open the blocked tube, however, I probably won't need that because women can still successfully get pregnant with only one tube. It will be about timing ovulation on the left side perfectly but it is possible. He informed me that everything else was healthy and normal and was a VERY respectful, informative, caring and attentive doctor. I am very thankful for that!

Afterwards: I felt dizzy at first when I stood up, but it passed quickly. It hurt to walk for a few minutes just because of the whole thing but that too passed quickly. However, with each bump in the car ride home or if I happened to lean a certain way my woohoo would yell at me to sit still. I came home and had some pinching and cramping so I took a pain pill and after eating lunch, I passed out for 2 hours. LOL (I only got 4 hours of sleep last night due to my ridiculous nerves)

Anyway, while I initially was emotionally disturbed, after about 20 minutes of crying and trying not to vomit, I calmed down and realized just how lucky I am. I might only have one good tube, but I am young and I have other things to my advantage. There are plenty of options for me and DH and right now, we are sticking to the Clomid for a few months. If by June we do not conceive this way, we will move on to IUI #1. That gives us just over 6 months to hit the exact time to conceive with the good fallopian tube and Clomid. If it doesn't happen, I have other options and will use them to my advantage. Technology is so amazing. After realizing my blessings, I have grown more and more appreciative and excited for the next step. DH and I learned what we needed to know. We've learned about his sperm, my lack of ovulation and my blocked tube. We know the chances, tricks and tips and we are going at this even stronger than before. I am very optimistic that 2012 will bring us our miracle baby and I pray that all of you lovely women struggling will receive the same blessing.

 XoXo

P.S. (I TOOK 1 IBUPROFEN 800 about 1 hour before the procedure and 1 Oxycodone 7.5 after the procedure)

Clomid Day 1, HSG tomorrow

Today is CD 6 and I took my first dose of Clomid. I don't have too many side effects other than I am really hungry all the time and some... *cough* arousal. LOL!

I have my HSG test scheduled for tomorrow morning. I am praying everything goes smoothly and that I have perfectly healthy, normal tubes. I hope that because I am young, everything will still be okay, but honestly, you just never know!!!! Whatever the outcome, I hope I can accept it and enjoy the holidays with my loved ones. Lots of prayers that everything is normal and healthy please!!!!!

I will post an update tomorrow once we get the results. Wish me lots of good fertility, and little to no pain!

XoXo

AF, Clomid and HSG... Oh My!

So, today is CD 2 and I am feeling much better now that AF has arrived. There is still cramping and back pain but it is a piece of cake compared to the last couple days. Goodness, all of this just makes me stop and think just how truly amazing women are built! I will never again take myself for granted.

I begin Clomid supplements on CD 6, 12/19/11 through 12/23/11. I am a bit nervous about the side effects but I feel I can handle them all. Here's hoping round number 1 works! :)

Now that AF arrived and is here for a bit, I was able to schedule the HSG test (hysterosalpingogram). I'm set to have that done on Tuesday, 12/20/11. This is the part that has me a nervous wreck. I recently did a little research and found a website that describes the procedure step-by-step. It's quite invasive *down there* and the part that scares me the worst is the dilating of the cervix. It doesn't sound pleasant at all. We've all had a spectrum down there, so that's rather normal, although still uncomfortable. Then I hear they put a clamp in? That reminds me of putting those clothes hangers on something sensitive... ouch! Then comes the dye injection. I hear it's mainly just uncomfortable unless the tubes are blocked and then it's painful. Either way, I am taking some painkillers beforehand. Whether I take a full-blown narcotic or an Ibuprofen 800 is still undecided.

I'm just worried about it all to be honest.... I'm not sure which will hurt worse; the procedure or the results? Fingers crossed that they are not blocked and that I receive nothing but good news!

Anyway now that I've made myself sick to my stomach, I better hop off of here and go do something productive!

XoXo

PROVERA WORKED!

Last night, around 10 pm, I started getting some intense cramps. They were tolerable. DH and I went to bed around 11 I simply could NOT fall asleep. The pain in my lower back and lower abdomen was so intense, I kept tossing and turning and trying not to scream. I took a super hot bath and cried. So, after the bath and talking to my oldest sister for nearly 2 hours via text, I finally felt sleepy enough to just fall asleep.



I woke up to take my BBT and wow... excruciating pain. At this point though, I could barely stand up from the toilet. My lower back is in so much pain. I feel like my insides are ripping out of me and then my feet and ankles started to ache, like in the joints. I managed to zombie-walk back to the bed. I fell back asleep until DH came home with some lunch and after not having any fast-food for a long time, it was nice to scarf down a Whopper. I was super hungry and it tasted like a pile of heaven. He also got me an ice cold Diet Coke and- what a gentleman- a heating pad. Lord he is such a good husband. He makes me want to just pinch his buttcheeks right off. So, we ate (on our bed like animals) and talked for a few minutes before he headed back out. I am now pretty much stuck to the bed since I can't really move. I switch the heating pad from my lower back, to my lower abdomen and vice versa every 20 minutes. It is helping but wow- this is intense. I called my doctor just to make sure this is normal and not too severe and his nurse said "Yep, Provera can cause some really horrible cramps and pain. He said that it is normal." She then said  "He's had a few patients who can't get out of bed at all." that made me feel better so I said "Well, add me to that list!" and she laughed. So, I guess I'm not dying after all. (Imagine my surprise?)



Now here it is, 1 pm and I'm still in my santa claus pj shirt. Yeah, I have a santa claus shirt... lol It's a t-shirt that looks like a santa claus suit and on the left side of the chest it says "Does this suit make me look fat?" It's actually suppose to be DH's shirt but, like every other "lounge" shirt he gets, I steal and wear when I'm having a down day. There is just something nice about his big shirts that make me feel comforted when he is away.



Here is a little other news. It doesn't have anything to do with my cramps, but DH is applying for a promotion at the police station and if he gets it, it will be a nice raise and FULL benefits for everything; dental, vision, medical, 401k, paid vacation and sick leave, paternity leave, etc. If he gets the job, we will also be moving. Right now we are in a 2 bedroom, 1 bath house and although I love it for the most part, I know we are ready for something bigger and nicer with less stress. Right now, if we had a baby, i'd have to get rid of my office to make it the baby's room.This house has radiant heating, EXCEPT for the second bedroom and that is simply not okay. There is no way we could have a baby in that room during the winter, so it's definite that we'd need to move anyway. We also would like our own bathroom separate than the one for guests. I love the big vaulted ceilings, the walk-in closet and the huge rooms, but I know we can find something else that has all that, and more. We started looking at houses yesterday and if we increased our monthly payments by a couple hundred bucks, we can get A LOT more in this area and surrounding areas. we found an AMAZING house in Springville, which is 2 small cities from where we are at. We're in Orem and his work is in Provo. Springville is south of Provo so it's literally a hop, skip and jump away from where we are now and it's in a lovely suburban community. The house is huge- 3 nice big rooms, 2 full big baths. Master bedroom with walk in closet and an en-suite master bath. Nice vaulted ceilings, nice big kitchen with stainless steel appliances, brand new huge washer and dryer, 2 car garage, a big basement, fenced back yard, formal dining, the list seems to go on and on. I fell in love when I saw the pictures and literally, if we could move there right now, I'd already be packing EVEN WITH all this painful cramping. It is just so pretty and exactly what we want in a house. I don't think we'd ever need anything more than this, so I could see us being there very long term. There wasn't one thing I'd change about it. And for the price... oh my gosh! what a great deal! I'm having a hard time believing it's still on the market! DH said it's a sign, that it's waiting for us. LOL We like to pretend and dream and right now, I think life would be so on track if A. he got the job B. we got that house and then C. we got pregnant. All of our dreams would be coming true... is that even possible in life????


Anyway, I just made myself get up and walk around and use the restroom and I am soooo pleased to say that it is now 1:31 pm and after 3 months of waiting, I JUST GOT MY PERIOD!!!!!!!!!!! :)



I hope everyone is having a great day and week. Thanks for all of the support, love, prayers and care! Sending you all good fertile vibes and magic this season!




XoXo

Provera Day 5

So today is the 5th day being on Provera and I feel totally fine. The only side effects (and they are minor) is breast tenderness and a TINY amount of lower cramps here and there. I admit, on day #2, I had a teeeeeny tiny mood swing (tiny to me but probably not so small to DH!) but I honestly haven't noticed much else. Out of the all the side effects, I feel I've gotten lucky. My doctor told me that I will probably have low side effects with the Clomid as well, so that is good to know!

This means I only have 2 more days of Provera and then *hopefully* my AF arrives. I am now CD 41 and man, I never thought I'd be wanting my AF quite so much as I do right now!!!! Who knew infertility would bring on so much humility and overall respect for the female reproductive system? I guess that saying is true that the Lord will only give you what you can handle, and while I don't know if we will even end up with a child after all of this, I do know now that I can handle it. It's hard, it's devastating and I will never forget the things I've felt and realized, but I can say that it has made me extremely appreciative. I think women who struggle to become mothers are the ones who end up making the best mothers. Anyone can want to be a parent. But it takes a strong, amazing woman to FIGHT for motherhood. I think this is one of the reasons my Mom is such an incredible person and mother. She struggled with unexplained infertility and only got 3 children in 20 years without contraception. She loves, supports and cherishes her children no matter how old they get, no matter what they do or have done and is really without a doubt, an amazing parent. I hope and pray that I am half the momma she is!

I'm spending the night with my DH and nephew and we are having a blast playing games on the Wii and PS2. We enjoyed a pepperoni pizza with a big salad and are now about to watch some tv. I feel blessed to have the things I do in my life and most definitely ready for the next phase that my doctor has planned for me. Fingers and toes crossed for a quick AF arrival and a good response to Clomid. Maybe, just maybe, we will receive our New Years BFP?!?!?

XoXo

AF is MIA *again*

So it's now December 5th. My AF (aunt flow) was due November 30th. There are no still no signs of her coming, other than the slight cramps I've been having. I called my doctor last week and the nurse told me I had to wait a few days for AF to arrive, if it still doesn't come, then I was told to call back. Sp, I called today and the doctor talked to me and told me he is going to fax in a prescription for Provera. It's a hormone-based pill designed to help women get their period. I have to take it for 7 days, and *hopefully* after that, AF comes and I can start feeling normal again. God knows I need that right about now. I didn't have a normal period last time either, and I haven't detected ovulation EVER. Since 10/29, something has thrown my body off, completely. I have not had any blood at all since 10/31, and that was minimal spotting that had started on the 29th. All through October- NOTHING. November- NOTHING. Now into December and still NOTHING. Where the heck is my period? I got it normal for September. It was about 6 days long, and according to schedule. Yet, when I was due to get it on November 1, I spotted on October 29th. Now I was set to get it November 30th and I don't even get any spotting? I'm just so frustrated. I'm having such a hard time trying to monitor and keep track of my body. I take my BBT every morning. I simply don't understand what the temperature changes are telling me. The last couple of days it has been higher than average, but the OPK's are negative. Regardless, we are still baby-dancing every other night, but I'm just feeling like there is no point in trying anymore. I FINALLY get a prescription from the doctor for a fertility drug to possibly help us conceive that miracle baby and my body decides to not cooperate at all. So, the 5-pill-prescription sits in my cupboard, waiting. Meanwhile, that's money spent that I don't feel like I got anything from because I haven't been able to take it! Now, I have to spend money and take a prescription to get my period? It just all seems to cruel. To me, if you aren't pregnant your period should show up every month like clockwork, give or take a FEW days. If your period doesn't show up, then you should be pregnant. Plain and simple! Life would be so much easier if things worked this way. Simple, understandable, etc. I am sure a lot of women would be much happier and satisfied in life and with themselves if our bodies, nature and life would just give us some slack when we need it the most.

Anyway, I have been really cheerful the last few days, trying to remain positive and hopeful but right now, I am pretty much spent in positivity. Just an update to my TTC/IF friends... I hope everyone is doing well.

XoXo

It Will Happen

There is no sign of my AF coming anytime today... so I am trying to remain positive and hope she shows up soon. It's CD 32 right now and counting if I don't start spotting or SOMETHING soon!

It's been an emotional day today already. I woke up with no period, cried. I got online and read online that Kourtney Kardashian is pregnant again. I cried again. She still remains unmarried, but is getting yet another blessing of being a mother. What hurts me and women like me, is that these celebrities have "oops" babies for publicity. They don't appear to TRULY cherish and realize their gift of fertility and motherhood. It just tore me down for a few minutes, but I'm moving past it. There is truly nothing I can do, and regardless, I don't like feeling upset or angry towards someone pregnant. No matter who it is, a baby is a beautiful gift.

Another sad moment was when Tim told me today that he had ANOTHER dream of us having a baby. He has 2-3 vivid dreams recently where we have a little girl. It is always heartbreaking for the first couple days afterwards, but it passes. I've had incredibly realistic dreams like this too, but thankfully haven't had any recently. The thing that made me pull over off the side of the road and cry for a few minutes was when Tim texted me and told me that all he remembers about it was that it was a girl (again) and that he remembers calling his family members and sobbing and saying we finally had a baby. It tugged the strings of my already emotional heart and made me break down. I can see both happiness and sadness in this and other "baby dreams" and I'm trying to hold on to the happiness and hope that maybe, just maybe, it's a sign that we will soon be parents. I hope my prayers are being heard... If nothing else, I need some guidance and understanding. It WILL happen for us.

Anyway, just a brief update. I hope everyone is having a nice week... XoXo

AF Due Tomorrow!

So, I am having some mild cramps right now, and I'm hoping that is good. I am set to start my period tomorrow, 11/30. I have been waiting for this since 10/29 where I had some spotting and then no real period flow. It was pretty horrible and I had a rough month of trying to keep track of anything. I've still been taking my BBT every morning, as well as taking the FertilAid and Fertile CM 3x every day, along with Metformin and a Prenatal Vitamin. I think I can safely say that FertilAid has helped me so far in trying to "normalize" my body. I've seen a significant different in my CM as well as my BBT's being more consistent and normal. YAY!

So, as long as my AF comes this month, on CD 5- I will begin my first round of Clomid finally. I will be taking 50 mg. every morning on CD 5 through CD 10. Then, starting CD 11, I will begin baby-dancing literally every-other day. I will take an ovulation test every day because I have never seen a positive OPK, so I'm really hoping this makes me ovulate. On the day of ovulation, we plan to BD twice, and then every day for 2 days after ovulation, just to be certain. So... there is a lot of sex in my coming future. LOL! Luckily for me, I have an attentive and loving husband.

I refuse to think negative thoughts, so as of right now, I am certain this will work and we will get our BFP by Christmas. Realistically, there is a good chance it won't work. But, I would rather be positive and hopeful than worrying and stressing the whole time. And, if and when I get that BFN... I know you all will be there for me. I hope all of you are doing well.:)

Okay... time to go! Wish me luck? XoXo

Hair, Holidays and Humility

Since my last post quite a few days ago, much has gone on! Not exactly too much regarding fertility and babies but a few things. I'll do my best to cover them all here. I'll also share some various pictures of the events at the end of the post. :)


1. FertilAid and Fertile CM is working! I chart my BBT every day. For the most part, there is no consistent noticable way of tracking ovulation. My temps could range from 96 to 98 on a weekly basis with no rhyme or reason. However, as of the last 5 days my temperatures are almost identical!  I contacted a FertilAid representative and she informed me that this is a definite sign that the pills are working to regulate my entire reproductive health. I also have noticed a definite increase in my CM (cervical mucus) and according to my charting, I am due a visit from Aunt Flow in 5 days. Then I will begin Clomid and will no doubt share an update at that time too.


2. FertilAid for Men is working for Tim! (we think) We have both noticed an increase in Tim's sex drive, (not that he needed any help lol!) but I also just have a gut feeling that it has improved his little swimmers. We are about to start out 2nd month supply of the pills. Fingers crossed!


3. I got my hair cut, highlighted and styled! I will share a picture below of the cute new 'do. It is definitely a new look and for the most part, I like it! It's easier to manage, and is versatile! I'm still learning new ways to style it, and it's fun. :) It also helped me feel more like a woman, and confident. Thank you to my hubby for encouraging me to have a little "me-time" and get pampered for a day.


4. Thanksgiving! The holiday has come and gone so quickly! The day was mostly pleasant and filled with SO MUCH good food. I enjoyed every thing I ate- and boy did I eat! Whew! I will share a photo below. I am SOOO thankful for the family I have, the food I was able to indulge in, and that my dear Mom is still able to prepare such a big, glorious feast. I am thankful for my loving husband, and all of the little blessings I have all around me in my life. What a great day to feel humble.


5. My sister is in town. I got to spend some time with my sister Ginger who is in town from Georgia. It was nice to have one night with just us girls; laughing, being silly and having fun. I wish we had more of those days, but it was nice and I am thankful we were able to do it.


6. I found out yesterday, on Thanksgiving, that I have a half brother that my dad "fathered" YEARS ago, and I never knew about it. I have not met him, and I actually heard about it through the grapevine by accident. Although I am crushed to know I didn't get to hear it from my own father... I am trying hard not to let that and the whole situation back then bring me down. I'm also praying for peace for those involved, and some sort of understanding and help to forgive the one person I can't.


So that's about all that has happened since my last post... Other than those things, I am just going day by day, praying for guidance as well trying very hard to count my blessings. I am fortunate to have all I do, and I will try harder to cherish those things and not be brought down by the inability to have a baby yet or other unimportant, negative things that life tosses our way.


Happy Holidays! I hope you are all enjoying this magical season. I wish happiness, love and good spirits to all of you. Thanks for reading my thoughts. :) Until Next Time... XoXo

My Plate of Dinner- No box ingredients for this family! 2 Slices of Turkey Breast, Homemade Roll, Homemade Mashed Potatoes, Homemade Turkey Gravy flavored from real drippings, Homemade Stuffing, Greenbean Casserole and yes, olives. LOL! I ate 1 slice of turkey, half the potatoes, all of the stuffing, all of the greenbean casserole, and 3 olives. I was stuffed but it was OH SO GOOD! Mmmm

The Table Set for Thanksgiving Dinner- and the Ham Roll Ups I made as an appetizer/relish tray



New Haircut/Highlights Side View



A New Approach!

I posted this idea of mine on the TTC and Infertility support group I am part of a few days ago and after some unfortunate news, along with some positive news, I decided I'd share it with you all as well, in hopes of it bringing some sort of hope or motivation to those of you struggling with this. You see, my husband has a high sperm count but low motility and high abnormal form. I was diagnosed with Anovulation and after 4 years of TTC, we have started to realize we might not ever become parents. It is draining and it's ruining my life to be so negative and to have given up hope. So we started doing the following more and more and you know what? I feel better about the future now. I've also been placed on Clomid while the Hubby takes FertilAid for Men, so here's hoping. Anyway, if nothing else, it's worth a try!


After studying psychology in college, I am obviously intrigued by the mind. I have been discovering new forms of healing for things like TTC and Infertility. It's mental, and it's apparently worked for people for things like curing diabetes by exercising and losing weight, giving up smoking, etc.

Something I have recently started is to do things to prep for having a baby, before I even conceive! So many of us women are so used to telling ourselves we can't get pregnant or it's not happening, etc. We instead need to be optimistic. One way of tricking your brain into making your body do what you want is through slow, small steps that progressively aim towards the goal you wish to receive. For example: I want to get pregnant. So, I've started doing little things in preparation for having a baby. A few things you can do is to buy some baby clothes. Not a lot and not too often. Something small, inexpensive, here and there. Maybe buy a baby bottle one week and add it to a "baby" bin. (something devoted just to your future baby) A couple days later, you see the baby section at the store. Instead of quickly walking away because it's too painful, walk over proudly, look at the things you would get if you were already pregnant. Maybe buy a pair of socks or a onesie, or a pack of baby wipes. I plan to buy a baby book. I plan to start writing letters and putting them into the baby book so my future child can read the struggles I went through to conceive him/her, and how much he/she means to me. I also bought a frame the other day. The frame is aimed for my mother and that's all I can say in case she is reading this! lol

These little things trigger a response in us. Our bodies are programmed to listen to our brains. As you're reading this, your brain is telling your eyes to move to each new word. It happens instantly. Think about this: we are so used to receiving negative HPT's and heartbreaking news that we almost lose hope. Our brain listens to what we say and in turn, over time, our body responds. I have said out loud and to myself for the last 2 years that "we aren't going to be able to have a baby. I'm giving up." and what do you know? My body has listened. I'm not saying this a cure in ANY way, but hell, it's worth a try. And best of all? It's positive, it's inexpensive, and it allows us to keep our dreams in our lives.

I made a promise to myself, my husband and our future child that I will no longer say "We can't." Instead I will say "We will." And dammit, I will make myself believe it. I will do good things for my body. I will pray, practice yoga, take my vitamins, and slowly, build a collection of things for our unborn child. When that times comes for us, it will be that much more amazing.

Thanks for reading friends. XoXo

There is *HOPE* after all

Alright, so since my last post I have received some better news. The lab did not elaborate on anything from DH's SA so we took the bad news and it simply sank in. Thankfully, my amazing doctor called and told us the positive news. (who knew there was any?) Now, while his motility is a little low and his morphology has a high number of abnormal form, his volume and count was ridiculously high. (good thing!)

SA Results:
Count per test= 41 million (average is at least 25 million)
Total Count per sample= 308 million (average is at least 59 million)
Volume= 7.5 (average is 1-5)
Motility= 40 (average 50-100)
Normal Form= 35 (average 60-100)
Abnormal Form= 65 (average 0-40)

So while the abnormal form is much higher than we would like it to be, there ARE still normal, healthy swimmers, and combined with the fact that his count and volume is SO high, there is still a good chance one of those normal little swimmers will make it to my egg which means it is NOT hopeless yet!

We've also most likely pin-pointed the main issue: I don't ovulate like normal. Anovulation is my technical term  for it, meaning I still get normal periods and have healthy fertile eggs, but I none of them are being ovulated! So as of yesterday I was prescribed 50 mg of Clomid for 2 months. I had an abdominal ultrasound yesterday and he couldn't see much for some reason so he did one internally and my ovaries appear to be fine. They are a normal size at 3 cm by 2.5 cm. There are no large cysts and plenty of healthy eggs. My uterus is in a normal place and shape with no abnormalities. My bladder was nice and healthy and my colon contained an interesting looking bowel movement. I know that is totally TMI but I literally laughed when the doctor showed it to me so I had to share it with you. Anyway, as he was fishing around my ovaries and showing me things on the monitor I started to cry because I imagined being on the table and waiting to see my baby in there. I know that one day, hopefully soon, I will be looking at my little baby growing, instead of a odd bowel movement in my colon. LOL!

So now once my AF (period) decides to show up, I will then start Clomid on day 5-10 of my cycle and begin baby-dancing on Day 11 throughout the rest of the month. Hopefully, this initial round of Clomid works and I get my BFP by Christmas! But, if not, he will bump me up to 100 mg for 2 more months. And, I won't even think about what comes after that if it still doesn't work because in my heart, I am having faith that this WILL WORK! Thank you everyone who has been so supportive and kind and uplifting for me the last couple of days. I greatly appreciate you all.

XoXo

Motherhood Down the Drain

so my husband just had a sperm analysis done yesterday. We got the results today. His sperm count and volume was excellent. However, his motility was low, and his morphology was horrible. More than half of them are abnormal. The normal form was very low and the abnormal form was high. I am feeling so incredibly down right now that I can barely function.

I've also been doing some research on Anovulation and my new doctor seems to think that might be my own issue. Basically, I still get periods, fairly on time, but I don't ovulate. That's why I have several healthy eggs on my ovaries, but I simply don't ovulate.  As of a few days ago, I've been having cramps in my lower abdomen and around my ovaries. I assumed it was my period coming since it is not 1 week late. I also thought it could be pregnancy pains somehow so I of course took 2 Clearblue Digital pregnancy tests. Both read "Not Pregnant". I should have waited for DH's Sperm Analysis results before getting my hopes up at all.

So now at this point, it's come to our attention that without IVF, our chances of conceiving are really low, practically impossible. I don't want to do IVF for the simple fact that it is way too expensive, with such a low success rate. Even if I tempted the idea of doing IVF or IUI, we would have to wait AT LEAST 2 years before doing so, since it costs WAY to much money. I am having a hard time coming to terms that I won't get to be a mother. I was so optimistic yesterday and now today after hearing this, I am just sick to my stomach. I know that there are other ways to try and conceive in our situation but I simply don't think we should have to. I don't understand why anyone has to struggle with infertility. Isn't it our right to be able to procreate? My entire life I've been told one man and one woman get fall in love, get married, have children and live happily ever after. I get it seems like a fantasy to some people but I was told that. I believed in that. My father ruined my view of men for so many years. I still hate what he did to my mom and our family. I don't honestly think I can ever forget it. And then I found my husband... and he is everything my dad is not and everything I dreamed a husband  would be. WE FOLLOWED THE PLAN. We met, fell in love, got married, and now where is our baby? Don't we deserve what everyone else does? At this point in time, I simply don't want to get out of bed. I am hoping this will pass but I will be honest, it has ruined my faith and rocked my belief system to the core.

A Lonely Night

So, it is 1:35 am. I'm alone, as DH has gone off to bed and I don't know why, but I just started crying. It is dark, quiet and I have my lovely two cats sitting here next to me. I'm not sure if it's my mind or an actual spirit around me but I feel entirely too emotional. I thought I'd get on here and write what I'm feeling and hopefully that will help me get to sleep.

I still have not gotten my period. I called and cancelled the HSG test on Friday because I can't get it done without getting my period, so that was a complete waste of planning.

I'm still not sure what's going on with my body, and every day that goes by, I feel like punching something soft... I don't want to get hurt because hello? I'm a girl. But that whole "punching" thing would no doubt make me feel a bit better.

Speaking of feeling better, or lack there of, yoga didn't work for me last night. I tried to get into it, but I had this incredibly awkward feeling that I was being watched. (seriously, no joke) It was weird... so, I am still kind of wound up and just waiting for it to pass.

I'm finding it harder to be optimistic right now. As I look back at our life together, I seriously wonder if those two times that we think I had a miscarriage even existed. (see the first post titled: From the Beginning, Shall We?) They weren't ever discovered until afterward. There were no positive pregnancy tests, no doctor confirmations or any signs. Which leads me to believe they never even existed, just an intense period. I will never actually know, and as the days, weeks, months and years continue to fly by me, I feel as if they in fact weren't real. My whole mindset is focused on not being able to have a baby. I realize this mood will pass but right now I am entirely too scared to think about having to endure IVF or IUI and no offense to anyone at all, but adoption is just simply not the same to us. We would love whatever child we were given, but adoption just isn't a cure for infertility. I know wallowing isn't either, but, sometimes it's easier than everything else.

For the past few days I haven't even wanted to get out of bed. I'm tired, and although I can maintain an overall pleasant attitude once my husband gets home for the evening, during the day I simply "exist" when I'm alone. I know this is a phase that will pass once my spirits are up. I also know that I'm feeling this way because my levels are not normal. Without getting my period on time I am almost certain something is out of whack and causing me to be so bummed tonight. It just kills me to think that those miscarriages we thought we had didn't even exist. So, therefore I am not only TTC and unsuccessful, I actually am seriously infertile. I've heard from some women who were in the same situation and they now feel they weren't miscarriages at all, just a really horrible period. That saddens me. There are so many women who are unable to conceive. I'm lucky to have met a few new people lately through an online support group. There are some truly wonderful people out there. I wish everyone could just live happily ever after, whatever it means to them. Yes... I am a dreamer.

Until next time.... XoXo

Still no AF, Tests on Monday

So, my AF (aunt flow) still has not showed up. It is now 4 days late. I haven't taken a HPT for two days because it was negative, so I'm discouraged. But, I'm starting to wonder what is going on? My flow has been nice and regular lately so why now is it going out of whack? Pretty annoyed right now.

But on a side note, I am still scheduled to have my HSG test on Monday, although I have to call and cancel it if my AF doesn't show up tomorrow. Hubby is set to get a SA (semen analysis) on Monday as well. So, hopefully we get as much information as we can soon. We ordered our first full supply of FertilAid products (FertilAid for Her, FertilAid for Him, Fertil CM and a Fertile Focus Ovulation Microscope) It should arrive any day now.

Well.. that's pretty much it for an update... I hope everyone is having a good week. Thanks for all the positive feedback. I am blessed with some good friends and family!

XoXo

Missing-In-Action!

So my AF (aunt flow) has decided to go MIA. Yesterday, November 1 I started my period (or so I thought) I had spotting on 10/29, nothing the 20th, a little the 31st and then November 1, there was some actual blood. There was a significant amount of blood, however, early evening maybe 4-ish it vanished and has not come back. I don't know if she's scared and is hiding out or simply confused but she needs to make up her mind! I have my HSG test scheduled for Monday and don't want to have to reschedule!

I took a HPT today, around 11-ish and it was negative. So, I will give the ol' uterus until Friday to get it together and if she doesn't, then I will have to cancel the appointment. :( I don't know at what point I should go to the doctor and test my HCG level in my blood but, I am afraid to. I think this is just mother nature rearing her "always in control" head and causing me more heartache. Anyway, prayers and  good-baby-vibes are always welcomed!

XoXo

Etiquette for TTC/Infertility

http://blogs.babycenter.com/mom_stories/10-ways-to-support-a-friend-who-is-infertile/

This has a beautiful passage that I will share below, or you can read the whole article through the link above. There is also a small list of things people should and should not say when talking to a person who is TTC, and having fertility issues. I completely agree with all of these.


"The pain [of infertility] is similar to the grief over losing a loved one, but it is unique because it is a recurring grief. When a loved one dies, he isn’t coming back. There is no hope that he will come back from the dead. You must work through the stages of grief, accept that you will never see this person again, and move on with your life.
The grief of infertility is not so cut and dry. Infertile people grieve the loss of the baby that they may never know. They grieve the loss of that baby who would have had mommy’s nose and daddy’s eyes. But, each month, there is the hope that maybe that baby will be conceived after all. No matter how hard they try to prepare themselves for bad news, they still hope that this month will be different. Then, the bad news comes again, and the grief washes over the infertile couple anew. This process happens month after month, year after year. It is like having a deep cut that keeps getting opened right when it starts to heal."


10. Don’t Tell Them to Relax
9. Don’t Minimize the Problem
8. Don’t Say There Are Worse Things That Could Happen
7. Don’t Say They Aren’t Meant to Be Parents
6. Don’t Ask Why They Aren’t Trying IVF
5. Don’t Complain About Your Pregnancy
4. Don’t Gossip About Their Infertility
3. Don’t Push Adoption (Yet)
2. Let Them Know That You Care
1. Remember Them on Mother’s Day

Another BFN

Just an update since the last post:

So, after all of the confusion over possible implantation spotting and waking up to no period still and the whole "implantation spotting" in my head from a few days earlier, I took a HPT. Of course, I should have just waited. I saw the BFN and I tell you what, I cried, again.

We will cross our fingers for a BFP later this month.

XoXo

Implantation Bleeding or Early Period?

I'm struggling with trying to understand my body lately. I've been getting pretty regular periods now for a while so it seems easier to track ovulation and menstruation days. I was set to start my period November 1 but on October 29, I had some brown discharge. It was a tiny bit of spotting so I ignored it thinking my period was coming early. Then on October 30, I had more brown discharge around noon, and it was enough for me to use a tampon, since I assumed my full-on period was about to flow soon. A couple of hours later, I removed the tampon and it just the brown "goo" on it, which from my understanding is blood that is old and has had enough oxygen to darken. So, I waited, and the entire rest of the day there wasn't a single spot of fluid. I did some research and discovered that there is something called implantation spotting/bleeding. Typically, after intercourse during the week of ovulation, you can notice spotting here and there if the fertilized egg has implanted into the uterine wall. This happens because when it implants itself, some blood that has been lining up throughout the cycle is shed. I also read that if the spotting is light pink or light red then it means the implantation could be fairly recent. If the spotting is brown, then the implantation could have taken place some time ago, and the blood that was shed is "old" and is just now actually shedding. I read that if it occurs a few days-to a week before your expected period it could be implantation spotting and that if you have a late or missed period, check for pregnancy. I got slightly excited and thought "This is finally it!" and I've tried to cut back on the abdominal exercises and just focus on the breathing and yoga sessions I've been doing, for my own piece of mind.

Well, on October 31, there was still no more discharge until around 3 pm and then there was just a tiny bit here and there when I used the bathroom. Not enough to even wear a panty liner really, so I have been feeling confused. From what I understand, the implantation spotting should be a small amount. Now compared to an actual period, this was definitely a SMALL amount. But to me, it shouldn't have had a little bit each day for 3 days, but at the same time... if it is my period coming early... what is taking it so long? I am just entirely too confused and clearly want that BFP right now. 

Since it is now 1:00 am on November 1, I will give my body a few days to make up its mind and if there is no more discharge and no period, I will take a HPT. My gut tells me that it is just an abnormal cycle due to stress or who really knows? I think mother nature likes to be in control, even though I'm doing all I can to maintain a healthy state of being. Regardless, I am hoping that the lord heard our prayers and that we get some good news. However, if I'm not pregnant, and my period doesn't actually come, I will have to reschedule my HSG test. I'm set to have the test done on Monday, November 7, at 10:00 am. I'm of course, as nervous as can be, and am torn between getting it over with, and putting it off completely. Anyway... just a few ramblings I've had rolling around in my head today... I hope everyone had a safe and fun Halloween holiday! :)

XoXo

It's just the "pms" talking, right?

After yet another "two-week-wait" I've learned I am still not pregnant. Surprise? Nah. But thanks to my current "lady days", my ovary strings are controlling my emotions and my "mom gene" is in the fast lane. It is once again my bi-weekly weekend with my nephew. Tim and I went with my Mom to pick him up yesterday afternoon and we discovered the sweetheart has a bad case of Hives. No it's not an allergic reaction or a heat rash, but none other than the kiddos emotional well being. Mind you, I got hives ALL. THE. TIME. as a kid, but it never happened this young. Mine were also due to emotions and stress but I worried about other things, like making friends, trying to fit in, a bad grade at school, etc. Whereas this child is 10, and lives just exactly where he does, it was only a matter of time before his inner turmoil showed on the outside. No one can pinpoint exactly what triggered this case but of course, there are assumptions to cover up the ACTUAL issue. Regardless of the how and why, my heart is aching. He woke up this morning after being so snugly in bed to learn that he was COVERED from head-to-toe in the big, itchy welts. The look on his face nearly broke my heart. I had to cover up my initial reaction to not freak him out even more. I was on the phone with my mom at the time, and she decided it was best to take him home and force his "parents" to take him to the doctor. (you would think this would be a no-brain-er, but sometimes, it's like pulling teeth!) So I gave him a Benedryl, rubbed some Calamine lotion on him and gave him a bowl of cereal. 

Externally, I know there is nothing else I can do for him. I am not his mother, so I can't keep him here, where there is comfort, love and respect for him. I can't take him to the doctor to ensure he is treated properly and I can't demand the environment he lives in be a more child-friendly one. I get all this.

Internally? I'm an emotional mess. My desire to be a mother is strong, and even more so when I get the pleasure of tending to him on a bi-weekly basis, even if for just one night. No matter what, every time he comes to visit, we have fun. We learn something new, we have a wholesome meal, play some games or watch a movie and go to sleep knowing our teeth are brushed, our bodies are clean, and our beds are comfy. It pains me inside to know that the child has some emotional baggage, no doubt in my mind as to why, but once again, he is TEN. He IS a child and he really deserves the respect and care to be treated as one. I am a STRONG believer that no matter what, children should not know about parental issues such as: financial burdens, sexual deviancy, or the day-to-day stresses of being a parent. A kid should not worry what is for breakfast. A kid should not worry if he will be able to eat school lunch. A kid should not worry if he has any clean clothes, undies and socks to wear to school. A kid should not worry about how bills will get paid or where they are going to live or how come things are so disgustingly unclean. A child DESERVES a clean home, clean clothes, food on the table, proper instruction on how to brush your teeth, comb your hair and shower properly. A child should be greeted home from school, welcomed in fact. A child should be taught how to do homework, and to ask questions if he needs to. A child should have not just one, but TWO parents to go to when there is inner turmoil. If there can't be two parental figures, even just ONE would suffice. A kid should be talked to, like a human. Taught how to grow, learn, be happy and ask questions. The wonder of children SHOULD be innocent, pure, and beautiful. What happened to children being children? What happened to respect for your child, EVEN if he is not biologically yours? EVEN if you are upset, or don't understand the situation. EVEN if you are a selfish person, you put ALL of that aside for the child you have. 

Do people realize how lucky they are to have children? Whether it's biological, adopted, or through a relationship, once you take on that role of being a parent, that doesn't just go away. You have to ACTUALLY BE A PARENT. Ten years in a child's life and you can't manage to dig through your own BULLSHIT (forgive my language) to be a grown-up adult for your child? REALLY? The entire lifestyle, the current situation and allllllllll the turmoil makes me sick to my stomach. My heart, my thoughts and my prayers go out to not only my nephew but all of the thousands of children in unsafe, unhappy, unstable living situations.

A-Post-A-Day Keeps the Stress Away

I came across a new blog today and after YEARS of being infertile, failed IVF's, and all the "blues" of TTC, she is finally pregnant. She found out recently she is having a baby boy and I thought: "I am genuinely happy for her."

I've recently been bombarded with news of those around me who have just recently had a baby or found out they are pregnant. And while my first reaction a few days ago was to scream, ignore them and/or curse the world, I decided I'd rather be happy than angry. Being a mother is something I'm praying for... so why would I have so much hostility towards those that already received that blessing? It's like a child who's parents can't afford to buy them the newest video game, but they find out their friend has it instead. Do they suddenly stop being friends with them because they have something they want? No. For goodness sake, it isn't YOUR baby that I want. No doubt your baby is cute, mushy, smells good and tugs on my ovaries, but it is indeed your baby, not mine.

I've decided to focus on myself for now. It seems selfish, but I have to. I'm going through something mentally and while I am a firm believer of making things work, I'm also a huge cry-baby. So, for the time being, I'm focusing on finding answers regarding my reproductive health. Maybe one day I will have the motivation and skills necessary to go back and get my PhD but until then... I need to find stability within myself.

XoXo

Testing... Testing... 1, 2, 3!

So after almost 4 years of sexual intercourse without contraception, my husband and I have yet to conceive. This is a major concern. I know some people say that "it will happen when the time is right" and not to worry or obsess but, I have to say; think about it! Sex is nature's way of creating human life. For most couples it should be a fun form of intimacy but when that parental desire strikes, sex is looked at on a biological, natural spectrum. Creating human life through intercourse is supposed to be one of the most natural things on earth. We're all taught throughout our lives that having unprotected sex leads to pregnancy (among other things). When you're married and you know you're both "clean" the other consequences aren't an issue. And when that time comes, sex is suddenly not only fun and pleasurable, it (ideally) creates a child between you and your partner. If you ask a mother about her pregnancy, chances are she'll talk about the pain, the cravings, the weight gain and then, of course, the labor. In the end, it's all worth it because you have now created and delivered a human being. If you ask a woman who hasn't been able to become a mother, pregnancy is no longer about the "side effects". Infertile Women, (like myself) look at pregnancy as a beautiful, magical, and biological right to us. It was driven in our brains through parents, friends, teachers and society that women have babies. Those babies are created by having sexual intercourse. Sounds simple enough, but it's not. 

I've been told that a child is born every minute. EVERY MINUTE. From who? Where? and WHY not by me? I know there are others out there who ask these questions like I am and I think it's a very reasonable question. It simply doesn't seem "fair" does it? As a woman who is trying to become a mother, I've discovered that just sex isn't enough. General good health isn't enough. Practicing yoga techniques, eating certain foods, taking pills and drinking herbal teas isn't always enough either. There are various procedures, tests, and surgeries done everyday to women all across the world. Here in America, I am fortunate. There are SEVERAL up-to-date procedures available. They have been tested and performed and calculated. Some of the statistics are amazing. The downside is everything costs money. Now, if you're financially set (meaning money isn't technically a concern) then you're likely not worried about this. But if you're one of the majority who don't have the best insurance it can get costly. Those high costs are scary and there's a shock and overall fear of having to some day face it. In the end, I think finally having a baby makes it all worth it. The pain, the worry, the stress, the money, the tests, etc. But in the meantime, it drives a gal crazy.

I've recently discovered various "boosts" to the reproductive system. There are pills, creams and more for men and women, all over the internet. They range from fairly cheap to ridiculously expensive. After much consideration, Tim and I decided that spending money is worth it if it actually helps us conceive. We've discovered (and tried- although not with real effort) FertilAid for Women and FertilAid for Men, along with FertileCM, and other products through a company called FairHaven Health at their website: http://www.fertilaid.com/. We've decided to make a purchase every month until we get that BFP (big fat positive) pregnancy test result. That being said, before I fork over $60 a month for some pills (that do in fact receive great reviews) we decided to get some tests done. I've had an ultrasound on my ovaries back in late 2008. They held plenty of healthy eggs, with no signs of PCOS. Last month I had some bloodwork done and all my levels came back "normal". Estrogen, Testosterone, Progesterone, LH, and FSH were all fine. However, my SHBG (sex-hormone-binding globulin) level was low. The cause of this is unknown, however, I was put on Metformin in order to prevent PCOS and other problems from happening. Now the next step is lab testing. I'm scheduled to have an HSG (Hysterosalpingogram) test done here in a couple of weeks. It is an X-ray test that looks at the inside of the uterus and fallopian tubes and the area around them. I'm getting this test done because the hubby and I must have a fertility issue. So, I'd like to get the test done to see if there is any blockage, or if my uterus is abnormal. Hopefully, I get very positive results and that nothing is wrong "down there". If we get the green light, we will then make the first purchase of FertilAid and see how that works over the next few months. I'm choosing to stay optimistic, so pray that the only outcome is a happy one. :)

XoXo

Our First REAL TTC Purchase! :)

Now comes the real point of this blog; to talk about our TTC (trying to conceive) journey. So, enough about the future. This our real, committed, current efforts. It will be blunt at times. I won't use code words. We're all adults, who realize that married couples have sex. I won't be vulgar, since that's just not my style, but I won't be afraid to say the words sex, sperm, egg, ovulation, period, lube, cervical mucus (CM) or any other term that comes with the territory of baby-makin' fun. Chances are, I'll also use humor because let's face it, sometimes things just happen. And, if things don't go the way I'd like, I might even get a bit "blue" and vent my sorrows. So, if you're reading this; roll with the punches, laugh a little, and if you've been in these shoes; relate. If you have been one of the lucky ones to get pregnant without thinking about, then I congratulate you, and to be honest, envy you. So, if you choose to "follow" along, and might not understand the whole "trying to conceive" thing, then my best advice is to put yourself in these shoes. They aren't just MY shoes. They belong to every woman and man who has ever dealt with a loss of a child or the inability to easily create a child, like nature intended.

Here is some happy news for the day! I have been doing much research lately, and I came across a "lube" that is for use when TTC. It's called 'Pre~Seed'. It's a fertility-friendly personal lubricant that doesn't harm sperm or embryos. It's an internal application that mimics a woman's natural cervical mucus. Studies have shown that couples who are TTC should NOT use typical lubricants because they are harmful to sperm. DH and I made our first purchase or 'Pre~Seed' as well as a collection cup used for testing strips. As a bonus, I received a cute "tattoo' sticker that says "Think Positive" and two free pregnancy test strips! What a deal! While we are going to use other forms of "help" in this process, right now, this is our first purchase. :) I thought I'd share a picture of my treasures below. If anyone has used this lubricant before, feel free to let me know what you thought/think! XoXo

From the Beginning, Shall We?

It's likely that you know someone who has at some point in their life said: "We're going to try for a baby!" It's also likely that you know someone who has said: "We're not having any luck in the baby department." Chances are, if you're reading this blog; it was me! This blog is a story of a journey. A journey filled with marital happiness, woes, and the ever-crushing inability to have a baby... YET. I'll start out by sharing some background info. Bear with me folks, there's a lot to cover.

My Husband, Tim, and I met several years ago. May 16, 2008 to be exact. After spending his life in Rockville, Maryland and being a volunteer firefighter for years, he decided he'd tag along with his Dad and move out to Utah. Lucky for me, I lived nearby. We met online through My Space (classy, huh?) and I pursued him with a flirtatious email. The very same day, we met and went on our first date. From the moment he held my hand, I had a feeling he was different than the other boys. At the time though, I didn't want to get married or have children. I had just gone through a horrible break-up and was living with my oldest sister and her family. I was a receptionist at an engineering company and had no hope of being in love. To my surprise, we spent nearly everyday together. We watched tons of movies, talked a lot, and went camping a couple times. Weeks and weeks passed and some family financial issues developed and I decided to move out of my sister's house. At that point, we decided to take it the next level. We moved in together in July 2008 to a small 1 bedroom apartment. At that moment, we began planning our future almost immediately. My sister and nephews loved him and that was a good sign. My mom met him and when I asked her about her thoughts at the time she answered "My only thought was that I hope you didn't get hurt." But still, she welcomed him into our life like she does with everyone; open arms. She supported my dreams and although it seemed like a whirlwind romance, she always treated him like a member of the family. When I asked again recently, she said the moment she knew that this was the real deal was "when he approached me in November 2008 about proposing." It wasn't until Tim got down on one knee in front of my whole family (December 24th, 2008) that I knew he was the only one for me.

We both wanted kids from the very beginning of our blooming relationship. We weren't the safest when it came to contraception either and we figured "we're going to get married soon, if we happen to have a baby, we'll welcome it." However, in the hustle and bustle of the Holidays, along with our soon-to-be early Summer wedding, we didn't put much thought into having a baby. We went about our lives, planning the wedding, the honeymoon and our decision to move when we got back. In a nutshell; we were married on May 30, 2009. It was a small, intimate and lovely outdoor ceremony in a dear family friend's backyard. We were surrounded by fragrant flowers, bushes and trees and the deal was sealed in front of a gorgeous lilac tree. My prince had rescued me from the dating world, and I was suddenly a wife! Looking back, it is still considered the best day of my life.

After the 5-day honeymoon (spent in Maryland and D.C.) we moved into a 2 bedroom duplex across the street from my Mom and step-dad. It wasn't the prettiest place but, we cleaned it up, painted the kitchen cupboards and made it ours. Tim was working full time and I had begun creating cookbooks as a hobby, hoping to even turn it into a small business since the job market was horrible. Just before my 21st birthday in 2010 Tim and I discovered I had gotten pregnant. I had no idea because I was not ideally regular with my cycles, so if I was late, it was usually overlooked. Needless to say, we had a miscarriage. Judging by my calculations and overall experience, I imagine I was around 5 weeks along. I was devastated, and Tim was impacted too. With enormous comfort from my Mom and each other, we got through it. At this point, I wanted a baby more than I'd wanted anything in my life. One month later, I turned 21. The following month, we celebrated our 1 year anniversary. Over the summer, we faced some financial trouble and decided that having a baby with so many other responsibilities was not in the cards right now. I stopped focusing on my maternal desire and decided to go to college. This was the time. I had no luck in finding a job, and Tim had just been laid off. We struggled to pay every bill and at times had nothing to eat. Looking back, if it hadn't been for my Mom, we would have starved completely. Doing some job digging, Tim discovered a job opening for a firefighter in Rawlins, Wyoming. He wanted this job pretty badly, and I decided that as his wife, I'd support him no matter what, even if that meant moving away from my family and hometown. If he got the job, we'd move and I'd start school there. If he didn't get the job, I'd go to school and get my BS in Business. After weeks of Tim trying to get in shape, we made the drive to Wyoming. Tim passed the written exam, and moved on to the next step. Unfortunately, he failed the physical test by 2 seconds. That was the end- so abrupt and so crushing. We made the gloomy drive home and somewhere between feeling ashamed and beat down, Tim got mad. He decided he deserved better than this, and enrolled in school with me to get his degree in Engineering. A high paying career, doing something he enjoyed. We started our first semester at Utah Valley University in August 2010 and celebrated his 24th birthday shortly after. So far, so good. In early November, weeks after applying, Tim got a job offer from the Provo Police Department as the Quartermaster. So far, much better.

After our first semester ended in December, we both knew we weren't happy with the degree choices we made. Business and Engineering were good degrees, with many job opportunities awaiting, but it wasn't our passions. After some soul searching, we both changed our majors. Tim changed his degree to Criminal Justice and I switched mine to Psychology. We were set to start the next semester on the right path. Unfortunately, the duplex was soon useless as our landlord had let a leaky swamp cooler go for too long. There was mold spreading throughout the ceiling and sure enough, it began to effect my health. I had to get on an inhaler and we were told that the landlord would be tearing apart the ceiling/roof. We began looking for places to move. Just before the Spring semester in January 2011, we moved into a 2 bedroom house, down the street from our school. The house is everything we didn't have in the duplex: more space, newly remodeled, cat-friendly, within our budget and best of all, it was an actual house. No neighbors around us. After spending a few weeks in our new house, Tim got a second job and my maternal desire came back. I pushed it aside and tried to focus on school. I got a part time job at an old job I had when I was 17 at the Fitness Center in the childcare department. We finished the semester and I turned 22. Tim was working for the Provo PD for 7 months, and at the second job for just about 5 months. Just days before our anniversary, I got a phone call saying Tim was hurt at work and on his way to the hospital. I had my nephew at the time, and raced to UVRMC, panicked since I didn't have much information. It turns out, Tim got his hand caught in a rubbermill at work, crushing his fingers. Fortunately, he was wearing his wedding ring and gloves and although some say it was the gloves that caused his hand to get stuck, I think it saved it from completely mutilating his entire left hand. After all was said and done, the tip of his wedding ring finger was ripped off and his middle finger had been crushed. After sewing the finger back on, we were told that there was a chance it wouldn't make it. We hoped for the best, and Tim went on workers comp to fully heal.We celebrated our 2nd anniversary and soon after, I quit my job at the fitness center for a slew of reasons. After a few weeks, we could clearly see the tip of his finger die and turn black. Tim had surgery where they amputated the tip of his ring finger from the first knuckle up. The doctor worked some magic and managed to keep the fingernail on. Unfortunately, we suffered another loss that same day. While waiting for Tim's surgery to start, I had discovered yet another miscarriage. Again, we had no idea and by my calculations, I couldn't have been more than 3-4 weeks along. I was again, crushed. My desire to be a mom was even stronger now and this loss was another kick in the uterus. Fortunately, the good news was that Tim was okay.

After weeks of healing, Tim was healthy and able to return to work. Since his accident, he's quit his job at the unsafe 2nd workplace, started the Fall semester and celebrated Tim's 25th birthday. He's recently become a Volunteer Police Officer for the Provo PD where he has been for almost one year. I've become a Volunteer Court Appointed Special Advocate (CASA) for abused and neglected children. We are currently halfway through our 3rd semester as college students and more-so, actively trying to conceive. (ttc)

This is the story of a loving couple, embracing their desire to be parents. The story of our trials, our ups and our downs. I hope this is a place for me to share my thoughts, hopes, let downs and feelings as I go along this path of finding myself, and becoming a mother. I hope some of you that read this blog can better understand me and the challenges Tim and I are facing. I'm a wife, a sister, a daughter, a cousin, an aunt and a friend, but most importantly, I'm a woman. If you've read this far, you're a keeper. :)